Credit given to the Goddess of Funny Email Forwards

My daughter forwarded me this list.  I thought it was great and I wanted to share.  I don’t know who to give credit to, except the Goddess of Funny Email Forwards.  She is not to be confused with the Goddess of  Inspirational Email Forwards with Rainbows and Puppies, and the Goddess of False Email Warnings about a Virus that will Attack your Computer if you Open Anything from a Guy Named Bubba. 

My own original thoughts are in parentheses.

Thoughts to ponder:  1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer's history if you die. (and clean out your underwear drawers of anything you want your kids to never see)    2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize          you're wrong. (If I ever have that moment I will let you know) 3.I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. (I am totally trying to make up for it with my Sunday afternoon naps) 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. ( I think my blog would be entirely in that font) 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? (You don’t. It just gets shoved in the corner of the linen closet) 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? (Only if you want to send a fancy note to someone fancy) 7. Map Quest needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. (Yea, you would think. But when driving with my teenagers I think steps 1-4 are very necessary) 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. (I have also thought this!  Not in a morbid way but in a way of important things to avoid doing so you don’t meet the same fate) 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. (I think it was June, 1979) 10. Bad decisions make good stories. (And good blog posts!) 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. (It usually strikes around 9:30 am at my house) 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. ( I still have cassette tapes with NOTHING to play them on!) 13.. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to the ten-page paper that I swear I did not make any changes to. (I just say yes, save changes, and hope those changes weren’t stupid) 14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever. (Yes. That is what it SHOULD mean. But sometimes I think I know better.  And it turns out, I don’t) 15. I hate it when I miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run like hell???? (my husband will call the home phone and hang up after 3 rings, after I have run to answer it.  He then calls my cell phone which I then have to run and find.  It makes me want to cuss) 16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. (Amen sista.  One of my favorite lines from Pretty in Pink “don’t waste good lip gloss.”) 17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. (If my mother-in-law is reading this, it isn’t true!) 18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Mom, what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How do I respond to that? (I would say Ninjas are worth 100 pts. If it is a Ninja Turtle 200 pts.) 19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well…(I actually checked, and mine has one.  That way I can see the frozen  cookie dough better when I reach in to grab a morsel) 20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Saturday night more kisses begin with Budweiser than Kay.

 ( On our Saturday nights kisses begin in front of the TV and if there is nothing good on, they contintue!)

Linda

Dear Oprah, I am over you.

Dear Oprah,

I am not quite sure how to say this since we have had a relationship for almost 25 years.  So, here it goes…I am over you.  Yep, it’s true.  It has been a gradual and painless process.  But let’s face it.  It’s time.  We had a good run.  I have been with you through all the thick and the thin (no pun intended. Okay, yes there was).  I have watched your rise to the all-knowing-all-powerful-talk-show-Goddess you have become.  I have been jealous of Gayle.  I watched you make-over the frumpy and praise the newly thin.  I have been there through the touching and heart-breaking.  I have cried with reunited families and abused children.  I watched you fawn over celebrities and become their new best friend.  I swayed and danced as you swayed and danced with great music icons. 

Oprah you may not remember me, but I came to your show.  TWICE!  It was the late 90’s when I lived in the Chicago area.  I remember being so nervous and spending hours on deciding what to wear.  I got my five seconds of camera time but the shows were really kind of boring.  And I was a little hurt how you didn’t even really acknowledge the audience during commercials.  I didn’t even win a car.  Sigh.

But I continued to watch.  I watched as your Midas touch turned Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz into household names.  I watch you get a mammogram and a colonoscopy and I don’t do that for just anyone.  I watched you introduce book after book for your club and even tried to read a few.  I realized we had different taste in books.  Either Tony Morrison is way over my head or I am way over hers.  And I already knew how to eat, pray and love.  Thanks anyway. 

You used to come off as every woman’s best friend.  You said you knew being a mom was the hardest job on earth.  But you don’t have kids.  You have maids and cooks and assistants.  So you really don’t know.  You became out of touch and too big to relate to the regular person.  You think a $100 purse or blouse is a bargain.  I decided I couldn’t really have a relationship with someone that has never shopped at Target. 

And then there was the whole election.  I knew we had different political views and that was fine.  But then you really made it clear.  You shoved it in my face.  You even said you knew half the country did not agree with you but still wore your “Hope Won” t-shirt the day after the election.  Like the rest of us did not have hope? I think we are just hoping for different things.

To be fair, I still Tivo you everyday. I watch if I find the topic interesting.  But I have no qualms deleting if you are too high on your horse or talking about child molesters for the 1 millionth time.  So I wasn’t really sad when you announced the end of your show.  I think YOU can feel that a lot of women are feeling the same as I.  Yesterday you announced your new prime-time interview show called “Oprah, the Next Chapter” or something narcissistic like that.  Oprah, darling, I think that is a chapter I will skip.

Sincerely,

Linda

Life is good then you get pooped on.

It was one of those days when everything was going great.   I was enjoying our spring break with my family and renewing friendships and family ties.  The two little guys were playing with cousins as we took the four oldest to downtown Salt Lake to enjoy the sights and sounds of the Easter message and weekend.  We listened to wonderful, inspirational messages from men of God.  Then we enjoyed a calorie filled meal and milkshakes at our favorite burger place.

As we were waddling back to our car, laughing, enjoying each other I heard the sounds of the Utah State bird, the seagull, flying over head.  These birds are known for their miraculous insect eating abilities over 100 years ago in Utah, saving crops and over 4000 pioneers from starving.  Yea, well,  that was then.

I felt a plop on my arm.  I thought one of my boys had thrown food at me.  That would not be shocking.  But I looked down on my WHITE sweater and saw greenish, gooey, seagull poop.  Ewwwwww!!!! And I swear I could hear those birds laughing as they flew away.  I screamed and gagged like a woman who had been pooped on.  My hubby poured water  on it and tried to clean to the best of his metro-sexual abilities.  But there remained one big green stain.  It did not quite match the milkshake stain I already had on my cuff.  Yea, I was a mess.  I had hours to go in that sweater before I could change and it was way too chilly to take it off  (thank you Utah for the artic weather).  So, I tried not to let it get me down or walk to closely to someone in case I smelled of bird plop.

When we were finally on our way back to our lodgings and the kids were still laughing at the well aimed poop (I guess it could have been worse).   I decided to turn it into a teaching moment.  I had heard several messages that day about taking advantage of teaching moments with our children so I decided to turn poop into a positive.

Okay kids listen up. Sometimes life will be going really well and then you get pooped on.  And it is usually not a matter of IF you get pooped on but WHEN.   And it is up to you to decide how to handle the poop. Do you get mad and poop back?  Or do you say "Okay I got pooped on.  I'll clean it up and move on," And that poop may leave a little stain and set you back for awhile and you may have to head a different direction to stay out of the poop.  But it is all up to you and how handle the poop.

Well they all laughed at me.  But I bet that is a lesson about bird poop they will not soon forget.