Apparently I am the underwear expert now...

Yea I am beginning to think I need to stick to online shopping.  This time, I was not molested at Target and no one was shot at Costco.  But I did attempt to shop at Costco for the first time since the very controversial incident. I was running low on my new favorite chocolate covered blueberries, so clearly I had no choice.  Not to mention the churro craving I could no longer ignore.

Everything seemed back to normal and the store was business as normal.  I was making my regular counter clock-wise route around the store, putting things in my cart that were not on my list.  I was almost done, event free when I spotted the sheet sets.  We were down to one set of sheets for our Calif. King and these were actually on the list.

As I was starring down the sheet choices, an older man (older than me, say 50ish), non-creepy looking, was looking perplexed starring at the ladies underwear.  He already had a cart full of socks and men's underwear.  I tried to ignore him when he spoke.

Non-Creepy Man: My wife's not here and I'm out of my element (so glad he was admitting that).  I am buying underwear for a ladies charity (sure you are).  I need less fashionable and more serviceable.

Now I was this guys expert on ladies underwear.  Great.  Serviceable?  Not fashionable?  Funny and weird terms for underwear.  Little did he know, in my mind "serviceable" underwear sounded a lot more dirty than fashionable.  He was apparently embarrassed.  Costco did not carry any underwear that would be the envy of the girls at the strip club.  He had nothing to worry about.  And because I am nothing if not charitable, I directed him to the packages of ladies underwear.  I told him they were perfectly acceptable to donate to charity.

And trying not to make him any more uncomfortable than he already was, I tried to be nice.

Me being nice:  Yea, you have a lot of socks and underwear there.  That's very nice of you.

Yea I said something that lame and pushed my cart away.  And I prayed that, that man's wife would not let him out alone, again.  Especially if he was on an errand to buy ladies underwear.

Linda

Molested at Target

I usually don't post on Saturday.  But If I don't write about this now I'll have to go into therapy and blogging is cheaper.

I slept in and woke up to birds chirping, piano playing, dogs barking, kids riding big wheels in the backyard.  Perfect.

I quickly made a to do list in my head, because that is always reliable (extreme sarcasm).  I got dressed and asked my 15 yr fashion consultant if my blouse made me look like a butterfly.

Yes, a little.

Oh well.  I did not change.  It's spring and I like butterflies.   I went to Target as-is and hoped I did not run into anyone with butterfly net.

Let me say right now, I love Target.  Now I know lots of women say that but I REALLY love Target.  I want to marry it and have little Target babies of my very own that sing cute Target commercials.  

My mental list first told me to look at shoes.  I needed wanted a pair of strappy black heels.  And there they were.   $24.99.  More Target love points.  Then I needed a birthday gift for my TanMan to take to a 13yr old boy birthday party.  Normally I would head straight to the iTunes gift cards but I was feeling a bit creative so I headed to the camping section.  I pick out a headlamp and mini lantern.  I was feeling a bit awesome for those choices.  Then I passed the CDs and the Glee soundtrack sung to me.  I had been meaning to download some songs but had not so I bought the entire CD.  Feeling a little more awesome.

I was really on a roll when I remembered to actually pick up a gift bag, tissue paper and birthday card.  Now, I did not have a cart.  I think that if I don't get a cart I won't spend as much.  But I am amazed at how much I can actually carry in my arms.  For this trip I was piling things in my cute shoes box.  So by the time I got to the check out I was ready to dump on the conveyor belt.

When I approached there was no room quite yet for my stuff.  There was a seemingly normal looking man in front of me.  He was wearing a puffy down vest.  That should have been my first clue.  As soon as there was room for my stuff he turned to me, took my box of goodies out of my arms and laid them on the conveyor belt.  He even put the space-bar-thingy between our stuff.  My first thought was how chivalarous that was and I told him so because I was still feeling the Target love.

But then chivalry turned to creepiness.  For some reason after he took the box from my arms and I said thank you, I felt the need to point out to him the box lines on my arm.  And Mr. Puffy Vest took that as an invitation to touch my arm.

Not just touch it, but rub it.

With both hands.

Even above my elbows.

No one except my husband gets to rub above my elbows.  And that's on a good day.

He said "Does that feel good?  I am a physcial therapist."

And that gives you permission to feel up arms of complete strangers in Target?

I was dumbfounded, grossed out and in shock.  I am not sure if I said anything.  Should I give him my phone number after this?  Are we dating now?

After what seemed like an eternity, but was probably only 10 seconds he stopped molesting me and started touching my stuff.  No I had not paid for it yet but I had already bonded with it and it was mine.  I have to wear those shoes to church buddy!

He asked me questions about the lantern, where do my kids go to school.  He proceeded to tell me about his son's scholarship to UNLV.  He had procreated?  Of course he had and it had probably happened in line at Target.

I think I was polite though inside I was throwing up.

And as quickly as our relationship started, it ended.  He bought his two large bottles of hydrogen peroxide and left.

Peroxide?  Isn't that stuff used to get blood out of things?  He probably had to clean up after molesting women at Wal-Mart and stuffing them in his trunk.

I was dazed as I walked to my car.  I put in my Glee CD and started singing "Someone to Love", at the top of my lungs.  Yea, we all want someone to love, but not in line at Target.

Muffin-Top-Rise-Jeans

So have you been shopping for jeans lately?  Yea, me too.  Nothing like standing in a dressing room, trying on jeans and having your self-esteem and self-image plummet so fast the lady in the next stall can hear it.

But I have decided it is not me.  It is the jeans.

Just the names alone give you some indication of the evil that lurks within.  You have mid-rise, low-rise, so-low-rise and  I-am-not-wearing-any-underwear-rise.  A Brazilian wax comes complimentary with those I think.  Then there are the high-rise or "mom jeans."  These are the ones that land somewhere between the 6th and 7th rib.  Then there are the wide leg, boot cut, straight leg and peg leg.  It depends on  if you want to look like an upside down pear or a church bell.

I am looking for something in between.  I am looking for something with a front zipper longer than an inch.   I am looking for something between the mid-rise and high-rise that could probably be called muffin-top-rise.  You know what I am talking about ladies.  Something to cover the god-given layer of child-bearing fat that no amount of crunches or carrot eating will get rid of.  The layer that so casually and calmly rises out and over any jean waistline that  dares to come near it.  Muffin tops can be seen on young and old.  And when left unchecked can cause even the most hormonal man to look away.

Low-rise jeans are not doing women with muffin tops any favors.  Unless you have done Denise Austin's Abs of Steel workout along with P90X for about 5 years straight AND never had babies, you should slowly walk away from the low-rise.  Just walk away.

The Muffin-Top-Rise-Jeans need to meet many criteria.  They need to  not only cover the muffin-top but flatten it without causing cramps or suffocation.  They need to cover the c-section scar but not reach the saggy-nursed-too-many-kids-boobs.  They need to 'give' when I bend over to pick up  dirty socks,  but not give so much that I look like Brittany Spears on a first  date.

Is that too much to ask?  Apparently it is.  Until I find my Muffin-Top-Rise jeans I will have to be content in my stretchy, comfy yoga  pants, that have never seen a day of yoga in their life.

Stuff I Saved Money On, Saturday

So I notice in the blogosphere that there are theme days.  Days like Wordless Wednesday, Frugal Friday, Tortured Tuesday and Morbid Monday (Okay, the last two I made up).  So I am feeling a bit of self-imposed pressure to come up with a theme.  I find one very common theme among bloggers and womankind in general is saving money and finding bargains.  I am no exception.  And yesterday was a particularly good day.  So without further adieu, introducing..........Stuff I Saved Money on, Saturday.

Clearance Clarence

I have never met a clearance rack I did not like.  From across a crowded room they beckon to me.  I know where and how to find them, and how to dig through them.  I know how to take 30% from an already reduced 50% (okay maybe not without a calculator). And don't even get me started on thrift stores.  They are like one big clearance rack. Now I am mostly talking about clothes and accessories here.  The clearance tables at the grocery store and AutoZone are not quite as appealing to me.  I never buy anything at full price.  The only exception is Target and Wal-Mart because hey, it's Target and Wal-Mart.  

So after the morning I had yesterday I needed some serious mall therapy. I headed to my local stomping grounds that has a Macy's, Dillard’s, Payless Shoes,  Hot Dog on Stick  and Sees (A shopper has got to have sustenance).  Now, a fantastic thing takes place at the change of seasons.  Along with blossoms blooming are clearance racks bulging with the previous seasons clothes.  So if you are like me, and are not afraid to  make a fashion statement in LAST seasons clothes (gasp), then these racks are the place to be.  

Now yesterday was a particularly good day because at Macy's and Dillard’s there was an extra 50% off already reduced stuff.  I heart that a lot.  You have to do some math in the head but the answer is happiness.  

So you ready for some clearance envy.....

(Haha! You thought I was going to model it didn't you.  I am not that brave at 10am on a Saturday morning)

This was on the clearance rack at Macy's.  It was originally $80.  It had been marked down a couple of times and was now $20 and had another 50% off, or so I thought.  I made a little stink when it rung up at $20, pointed to the clearance sign, was taken to someone else in charge and voila' it was $10.  

Can't wait to wear it with leggings and my new flats (see below) or black tights and my black boots.  

This adorable black dress I bought for my (soon to be) 15-year -old daughter, also at Macy's.

It was originally $32 and marked down to $10.  So yes, I got it for $5!! I could not get it for that at the Goodwill.  It still makes my heart twitter just thinking about it.  

These I found at Payless, where they must have just got a memo on customer service because the ladies there were WAY to kind and attentive. 

 "Be sure to look for the red tags"

"Oh those look beautiful on you"

"Your hair is so pretty"

Seriously.  Leave me alone with my bare feet and your shoes.  So I found these cute flats that were originally $22 and on clearance for $8.  Now I have not bought flats in a long time and was forcing myself to get out of my comfy clogs comfort zone.  I wore them last night and they gave me blisters.

But as I try to teach my girls from a young age.....beauty is pain.  And so are flats apparently. 

I also bought a pair of straight leg "skinny" jeans at Dillard's for $7.  They were originally over $40.  I hope they live up to there name. 

"So what if I ate my weight in hot dogs and chocolate.  These jeans are supposed to make me look skinny!" (Jeans buying is a WHOLE other blog)

So I saved over $140 on my mall therapy day. 

 Because everyone knows you have to spend money to save money.