Wednesday, May 26, 2010

New ways to celebrate mediocrity

Last night we got to attend the "promotion" ceremony for my kids school.  A night of kindergarteners on stage staring at their teacher who is tirelessly waving arms and mouthing words to a song they have practiced a million times.  A night of first graders in "colonial hats" and to scared to push it up out of their eyes while they sing.  A night of pre-pubesent boys standing with hands in their pockets and a pouty look that means "I  am way  too cool to be here." A night of girls, who once out of their school uniforms, put on too high heels, flowers in their hair and mommy's make-up.

Each class "graduated" and was promoted to the next grade.  It is a lot of pomp.  It is ceremonial "overkill."  And this is our 5th year of it.  We LOVE our little private school.  It is the little engine that could, but the ceremonies are slowly killing me.  I am done fighting it.  I used to be the obnoxious woman in the office who questioned a lot of things.  But I am tired now. I go to these things waving a white flag.  And my boys go in white shirt and tie (so fun to get them in THAT on a weeknight), complaining louder than their mama.

13 year old TanMan "Why do we have to be promoted?  I can just promote myself!"

Am I a bad mom if I agree? Do kids that didn't show up, have to stay back because they did not go through the great promotion portal?  Maybe that explains the 5 ft kid in 2nd grade with zits.

And I have not even mentioned last week's pre-school graduation.  Cap. Gown. Pomp AND Circumstance playing.  "You have mastered the alphabet and the art of gluing pasta to construction paper, here is a diploma."

It was more ceremonial than my husband's graduation from medical school.  I expected them to give the
"ready for kindergarten Hippocratic oath."

* I solemnly swear to never eat paste (unless it is flavored like bubble gum)
* I promise to not cut in line unless it is absolutely deemed necessary
* I promise to not color outside the lines
* I promise to pretend to sleep at naptime
* I promise that what happens on the playground, stays on the playground

Okay he did look adorable in his cap and gown.  But that is beside the point.

I have a favorite line from The Incredible's movie.  It is a "discussion" between Helen (Elastigirl) and  hubby Bob (Mr. Incredible) about their son's "graduation".

Helen: I can't beleive you don't want to go to your own son's graduation.
Bob: It's not a graduation.  He is moving from the 4th to the 5th grade.
Helen: It's a ceremony!
Bob: It's psychotic! They keep finding new ways to celebrate mediocraty, but if someone is genuinely exceptional...

Agreed. I am perfectly happy staying home and enjoying my own mediocre life and home.  And I will do that right after the CLASS AWARDS presentations this afternoon.

Monday, May 24, 2010

LOST; An island with PMS

It all came to me as I was watching the finale of LOST.

Now, for the past year I was definitely a fair weather fan.  I had to think too much as watching it. I like my TV to keep me dumb.  I felt like LOST must be smarter than me and I gave up on it for awhile.  But I could not let it go without a good-bye since I did follow these people for 5 years.  And last summer I got to stand on beaches where they film LOST.  I saw the village where the OTHERS lived (a YMCA camp, takes a little of the spooky out huh?) and decided I needed to visit those beaches again.  So I recorded the 12 million hours of the final night.  I watched the 2 hour review and amazingly the clouds parted and I felt caught up and prepared for the  "The End".

I saw them continue to fight with this island.  And then it came to me.  As Jack and Desmond were at the heart of the island where the light was, and they were fooling around with it's "cork" , pulling it out, then putting it back in, watching the island get cranky, then be happy again, it came to me.  The island was just a big cranky, PMSing woman.  Now I am not one to disparage my own sex but you all know what I am talking about.  She blew smoke, and swallowed people whole.  She drew people to her then pushed them away.  Her "center" was alluring and all light and glowy but if you got close you got burned.

They could have solved their problems much quicker had they known that.  All they needed was some Diet Coke and some chocolate and maybe some potato chips for good measure.  Take it to the "heart" of the island and throw it in.  And in about a week they would have had an island calm enough to open a resort on.  At lest for the next 28 days.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Blog Botox and Awards!!

You may have noticed my blog got some botox.  It got infused with my favorite color, a new header and a cute as a button, button.  It is all thanks to one of my best-bloggy-sista-friends, Jackie at House of Sarager.  She has awesome links on her blog to great how-to-sites and if you are a blog moron like myself, word on the street is, she will work to support her Amazon habit.  Thank you Jackie!!

I have been putting off an award ceremony for awhile.  I was hoping to lose a few pounds before I walked down the red carpet again.  But those dang Lindor chocolates are just too good.  So I am accepting these awards in a dress I borrowed from Kirstie Alley.  She seemed to have lots of different sizes and they already had chocolate stains.

First thanks goes to Sarah at No, Don't and Stop!...The shenanigans of a single mom... who bestowed me with The Versatile Blogger award.  Sarah is a cute mom and awesome blogger.  Thank you Sarah!!

And to inflate my already over inflated bloggy ego, Lourie at CA Girl gave the Sunshine Award!  She is a Calif. mama, and a bloggy sista from another mother.

So I guess I am a "Versitile-Ray-of-Sunshine"  Bwahahahaha.  Almost got that out without laughing.    

Awards usually come with rules but being the Kayne West of awards that I am, I will make up my own rules.  I am supposed to share some things you may not know about me.  Hmmmmmm.....Not much I have not spilled to my readers...

1. I am kind of a "granola" when it comes to childbirth.  One epidural in six births and 
that was a c-secion.  Last one I had at home with a midwife.  But yes, I shave my armpits. 

2. I want to be a contestant on "So You Think You Could Dance."  
My speciallty would be 80's line dances.  

3.  I love my dog.  His love is unconditional.   

Okay, that's all you are getting from me right now.  Now I get to bestow these awards onto some of my favorite bloggers.  Yea there are two awards, so you can choose which one you like best or the one that matches your blog.  Whatever.  Just take it and run before I change my mind.  So in no particular order...

Cheeseboy at Blog O' Cheese.  He was the first man not related to me, to comment on my blog.  He is a dad and teacher.  And he is funny for a boy, that also blogs. 

Lisa at Blue and Shoe.  She is cute, funny and you NEVER know what is going to come out of her mouth.  She is an awesome blogging friend and we hope to get drunk on Dr. Pepper together at CBC. 

Leanne at From Chaos Comes Hapiness (love the name).  A mommy blogger with a cute as heck disposition and blog.  

Lisa at Reasonably Chubby.  The name says it all about her sense of self and humor!  You never know what you're going to get!

Serene at Serene is my name, Not my life!  She was one of my first followers that was not related to me and gave me my first award.  She is not only the cutest mommy and blogger AND an amazing artist.  Poke around her blog a bit!

Okay, I am tired (which in this case means I don't want to type up anymore links!).  Please go give all these blogs a look-see. 

I am going to take off my gown and go work out with Kristie.  


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

What does "tired" mean in your house?

I have known for a long time that as words go, the same word can mean different things to different people.  In my house, that is no different.  Like when my kids say they will "clean" their room it means they will lay around in it for awhile, staring at the piles and make new ones.  When they say they got their homework done it means they played 55 mins of video games and stared at it for 5 mins.  (There is a lot of staring in kids's definitions). I have noticed that the word "tired" has the most varied definitions in my house, from mom and dad on down.

When I tell my 5 year old I am tired it means I do not want to play Candyland or Guess Who, AGAIN!  When I tell my teenagers I am tired it means there is mac and chesse for dinner and I will be having quiet time with the Gilmore Girls.  When I tell my husband I am tired it means "Honey I love you but you will have to rock my world another night." (What he hears is, "make it quick")

When my hubby says he is tired, he actually means he needs to vegetate reading the newspaper or watch UFC.  And when his head does hit his pillow he is asleep before I can say good-night.

When my teenagers tell me they are tired it means they don't want to do chores or homework but have lots of energy to text,  be on Facebook and watch TV.  It means they will fall asleep within minutes of starting family scripture reading.  It means they will whine continually when asked to do anything they don't want to do.

When the two little boys are tired it means they can barely dress or undresss themselves, get up or down the stairs in less than 20 mins and need to fight and wrestle some more.

And when the word "tired" is heard, it is interpreted in many different ways.  When mom and dad are tired and actually in bed, to my usually monosyllabic speaking Man/Boy it means it is a good time to talk about girls, scout projects and his future.  To 15 year old Sassy it means it is a good time to let us know about all the injustices she is suffering at the hands of her siblings and friends.  And to 13 year old TanMan it means midnight is a good time to try on his newly acquired lacrosse helmet, walk into our bedroom, turn on the light and model it for us.

My favorite "tired" is 5 year old JarBear tired. Too tired for a book (I can live without ISpying things for one night).  Too tired to brush his teeth "It tickles my nose". Too tired to say his own prayer, "Mommy you say it". He crawls into bed and is in dreamland before Veggie Tales gets through their first song.  That is a tired I envy.


Saturday, May 15, 2010

Kip and I now have something in common

In my grand efforts to be able to call myself a writer, without hesitation in my voice, I sent some stuff to some people that publish stuff, and viola!  I was asked to be a monthly contributor to!  Yep, that's right, you heard me.  Someplace other than my own mind, wants to hear what I have to say.  

I was supposed to be a contributor under "humor" but the piece I just wrote got put under "technology".  Because when you think of me (and Kip), you think of technology (if you have NOT seen the movie Napolean Dynamite then you do not get that reference in the least).  So today will you please go read "Textually Active" over HERE  and leave a comment so they (the lovely publishing people) will think I am popular.  And maybe my next piece will actually be humorous enough to be put under THAT category.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Just Five Things

I love how bloggers are so narcissistic that these things are called MeMes!  Long before I started blogging I had a t-shirt that I wore that said "It's all about me", so I was always destined for the bloggy life.  I started blogging because I love to write.  I had no idea of the friendships I would make.  I love the connections.  I totally see how people say they "fell in love" over the internet before even meeting.  Not that I still don't think it's weird or can take the place of real human connection, I just get it.  No, I am not "in love" with any of my bloggy friends, so don't get creeped out.

One of those friends, who I can't wait to meet at the Casual Bloggers Conference is Kristin at Shades of Blonde .  I still remember the first time I read her profile.  She is an 80's chick like me.  She had me at Erasure.  So anywho, she tagged me in a meme, called 5 Things.

1. Where were you 5 years ago?

Ummmm, physically, spiritually, mentally?  That is a loaded question.  I was living in the same house I am now, had the same six kids I do now, same two cars and the same husband.  And after moving about 7 times in 13 years, I will take the monotony.  (We are moving into a different house this summer, because moving a few blocks away sounded FUN)!

2. Where would you like to be in 5 years?

I would like to be retired, have all the kids out of the house and living on beach somewhere.  BUT reality says I will still have at least 3 kids at home.  Will still be mom, wife and by then a world renowned blogger or in a padded cell. Whichever comes first.

3. What is on your to do list?

Ummmm, physically, mentally or spiritually?  Okay I don't really have to do lists for all those things, though I think I did on January 1st.  I like to make do lists and cross things out. My mom used to write things down after she did them just so she could cross them out.  Right now it's sign up my son for lacrosse camp, reserve a spot at the lagoon for a graduation party, start packing my house, and decide what movie to see for girls night out tomorrow.

4.  What are snacks you enjoy?

Well, it could be a really long junk food list but you may be shocked to know that my fave snack is blue chips with hummus.  Yummy!  And then there is the junk....peanut M&Ms, Whoppers, chocolate chip cookies and Diet Coke.

5. What are five things you would do if you were a billionaire?

1. I would DO NOTHING!!! Everyday would be a spa day.
2. Oh yea, I would help tons of charities, promote world peace, blah, blah, blah.
3. No one that calls me family, would have any debt.  Dave Ramsey would be so proud.
4. Having a cook, a maid and a driver would be a no brainer.

Thanks Krista!  2 weeks until CBC.  Be ready to put the Dr. Pepper on ice!


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Apparently this is what I look like...

I did not sleep well last night.  My mind was too busy.  I was haunted.  Haunted by Mother's Day.  Not that it was not perfect, because it was.  My family, from Hubby on down, are so good to me.  I beat them into submission years ago and on Mommy Christmas Mother's Day, they are putty in my hands.  Breakfast in bed, 2 hour nap, dinner made, dishes done (with no working dishwasher)  gifts and cards.  Ah yes, the cards.  Apparently this is what I look like, according to 8 yr old Coltito...

That is me, in a mirror.  Uncanny isn't it?  I did not know my freckles stilled showed up so much at age 43 or that the orthodontist forgot to take my braces off 25 years ago.  And apparently crayons add on 20 lbs.  I am trying not to take it personally.  His dimpled little face was so sweet and sincere when he gave it to me.  It just haunts me in my sleep.  He also gave me $2.00.  But NOT in $1.00 bills or pennies as any other 8 year old would do.  It was in the form of a crisp $2.00 bill (it looks very similar to the one his Grammy gave him for HIS birthday).  And you bet your rabbit pooped shaped ice it will be used at a Sonic drive thru this week.  

My 5 year old Jar-Bear also drew me a pic.  

I nervously asked if it was supposed to be me.  He looked at me like, you silly woman, of course not!  It was a monster.  Obviously.  Had to ask right?

15 year old Sassy included this cartoon in her card to me...

Darn! It reveals the location of the secret cape of all mom's everywhere!  She made me a Supermom emblem to wear around my neck so I don't have to pull out the cape all the time.  

My 16 year old Man/Boy finished the festivities with his OWN words to Ke$ha's "Tik Tok" 
(Apparently spelling things correctly is mute after you're famous.  So after I have over 1000 followers on my blog I throw all spell check to the wind).  

I happened to know and like the song  (because I am age inappropriate like that) and my white boy  rapper did me proud!  (You need to read it with the tune in your head)

Wake up in the morning feeling like Medusa
Grab the children I'm out the door headed to Cumorah
Before I leave I make some lunches, grab myself a bottle of water
Cause Living in Las Vegas couldn't get any hotter

I'm talkin' crap my AC just went out, out!
Do the little boys have to shout, shout?!
If they keep it up I'll kick them out, out!
I mean it!
Can't find the boys favorite CD's
Oh well, we're already here you see!
Trying to keep my sanity...

Make it stop! Look at the clock! 
It's still too early for me to talk
On no what's that?  A lunch sack!
Someone forgot it in the back
But I'm not drivin' back. It's their fault for being clumsy
It's not like I'm their mother! Well, I kinda am their mother!

I'm home, finally 
Did I just step in dog pee??
Who made this mess, I confess
This really fills me up with stress
I never signed, up for this
Can I call myself in sick??
Nope, cause I'm the mother. It's hard to be the mother!

Kids build me up, they break me down
My head it pounds
This is getting to me
Can't take much more, who's at the door?? The Kids!
I can't believe it's four already!
Kids build me up, I'm breaking down
At least I get to blog about it
I lock myself, inside my room
I need some rest  before I go BOOM!
Now the headache didn't start till the kids came home

Make it stop! Look at the clock!
Better find out whose head I have to knock
Cook some food, "TanMan don't be rude!"
I'm seriously not in the mood
Dad walks in, FINALLY
Now the kids will meet their doom!

It's bed time now, holy cow
I still have to do the dishes
I guess it's all part of being a mother. I think I need MY mother!

Yea, he's pretty fly for a white guy.  Talented too.  So I need to keep THAT tune in my head whenever THAT picture of me pops in at 4:30 in the morning.  


Friday, May 7, 2010

Freakin' Friday

In the grand tradition of mom's and daughters mysteriously trading bodies, my daughter and I have decided to trade blogs today!  Though I would not mind trading bodies with her either. Oh to be 18 again...  I hope this  Freakin' Friday does not send my red-head-co-ed along the same path as Lindsay-I-never-met-a-drink-or-scandal-I-did-not-like-Lohan.  So you will find ME over here at Makenzie, No "C".  And without further adieu I will introduce my darling first born, the original drama queen, never met a chocolate she did not like (where does she get that from I wonder?) Please show her some bloggy love because I think she is pretty awesome...

Linda is not here. This is Makenzie, her other personality. (Jk, I've recently watched Sybill for the first time, so excuse me for my creepiness.) This is Linda's eldest baby girl, Makenzie, aka Co-Ed. Apparently Co-Ed was given to me because I go to a Co-Ed school... ? Not really sure why that was a big deal. Probably because the fact I can walk down the hall and and hang out in my guy friend's dorm room until 2 in the morning is blasphemous. I'm happy with Co-Ed. Atleast it wasn't Heathen Woman or Spawn of Satan. That would make me sad.

So as most of you know (I would only assume, she does update most of my life on this blog) I am home from college for the month of May. I am going BACK for more school in June. Jealous? I would be. Psh, who wants to swim and... be with friends and.... dumb things like that. Considering I have to gain residency in the state I go to school in (U-taaaah, said in Frat boy accent) I might as well be doing something productive like getting an education while I am up there! But for now I am cleaning up dog poop, making meals (heating up taquitos), and watching re-runs of Khloe and Kourtney take Miami. Oh the joys of being home.

So because I am so thoughtful I decided to do a little diddy about how much I love my mom. Okay, it was her idea. I just remembered 2 seconds ago it was Mothers Day on Sunday. But let me list for you 18 reasons (1 for every year she's been my mom, in no particular order) of why I love my mom.

1. I love her because she laughs at the same things I do.
2. I love her because she owns and updates a blog... how many kids can say that??
3. I love her because she's a Gleek!
4. I love her because she lovingly chastises me when I need it.
5. I love her because she can use the word "totes" properly in a sentence.
6. I love her because I can happily borrow the cute clothes in her closet. Not a lot of kids can say that either.
7. I love her because she always answered the phone or at least called me back whenever I needed her.
8. I love her because she will still buy me things "just because".
9. I love her because she knows that crack is wack.
10. I love her because she has not chosen to sell any of us to foreign countries... yet.
11. I love her because she was born to awesome parents who took me to Hawaii with a friend last year!
12. I love her because she tells me I am pretty even if I don't feel like it.
13. I love her because she gave me her baby blues.
14. I love her because she's friends with my friends... she's just cool and hip like that!
15. I love her because she has a full-time job and does not get paid for it.
16. I love her because she is so excited for me to get married and have grandbabies... this is not happening anytime soon.
17. I love her because she does not take herself too seriously and laughs at herself.
18. I love her because she thinks I'm cool enough to write on her blog, when she is much wittier and better writer than I!

I remember one time one of the children asked my mom, "Why isn't there a Kids Day?" to which she didn't miss a beat and said: "Because every day is Kids Day". Well played, mom, well played.

I love you mom! Happy National Disabili- I mean Mothers Day! :)

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

All I want for Mother's Day...

Well, that and world peace.  Oh, and some chocolate.  That's it.   Just those 3 things.


Monday, May 3, 2010

Be Romantic. Ready, Set, Go!

So we finally had the opportunity to celebrate our 20th this last weekend.  I had always planned to be in Paris or Greece for my 20th anniversary or at least on a 3 day cruise to Tijuana.  But alas the economy, my hard working husband and tuition for six kids decided that was not in the cards this year.  So my 20th extravaganza turned into a "staycation".  But seeing as we live in the "City of Sin" and lots of people enjoy coming here and spending their vacation dollars, I thought why not us.   But instead of the hooters and hoochiness of The Strip I chose a little more remote spot for our 20th horneymoon, honeymoon.

I booked us a room at the Lake Las Vegas resort.  It is a man made community with a couple of fancy hotels, some restaurants, golf courses, shops and of course, a lake.  I had heard it was a good getaway.  It wasn't Greece, but it was someplace that did not have 6 kids, two dogs and a broken dishwasher.  The hard part of leaving for a weekend sans kids is actually leaving.

Hubby:  When do you want to go?
Me: Yesterday.  Or around 4 pm would be good.
Hubby: Oh, I was thinking 5:30.
Me:  (thinking the kids get home at 3:30 and that gives me two hours to get cranky) Okay.

So we did not end up leaving until about 6:30 of course.  And yes there was some crankiness.  We climb in the car and were off for our "romantic" weekend.  I decided that was a lot of pressure to put on us.  Bags were packed, chocolate and strawberries were bought, and boom let the romance begin? Forget that we had been sleeping together for 20 years, made 6 kids, had everyday life pressures.  We could not talk about the mortgage, the broken air conditioner, the kid's grades, his job or mine or how the dog refuses to be house broken. We were to leave all that behind in an instant, be madly in love, enjoy every second we had alone together. Ready, set, go...

It took awhile to get into the swing of things.  I had booked us a reservation at a "romantic"(there's that word again) restaurant for our first stop of the weekend.  The thing with Las Vegas that can't be avoided is that a lot of the nice restraunts are in casinos.  Casinos are not my favorite place.  There is lots of smoke, noise, booze and boobs.  Very distracting and irritating.  So we worm our way through the slots and into the dim lighting and nice atmosphere of the place we were eating.  We were seated next to a window that looked out into the casino.  Whatever.  Ok, let's try to relax and enjoy this.  Caffeine please and keep it coming.

We actually did relax and start to enjoy ourselves.  We talked about some of our best dates and getaways.  I actually even tasted oysters for the first time (I heard they were an aphrodisiac and I thought the weekend could use a little kick in the pants) They were slimy but not completely gross.  I was just starting to think, "okay, this weekend is going to be great", when I look over and see a bald head and jeans sitting in the window.  Right next to our table.  Of course, why not. The more the merrier.  Should I pass him the bread?

This guy had no idea his Wranglers were butting into my romantic evening.

Once again I was thinking, " Please don't fart and steam up the window."  Well, after our squatter left after a few minutes, we got on with our evening and weekend.  And it happened to be wonderful. 

 It was amazing to remember what it was like to stay in bed all day with nowhere to go.  It turns out that, without the kids around, we do actually still like each other and are actually pleasant individuals.  And maybe in 20 more years we can discover that again.  



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