Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Are We There Yet?

So I am attempting something very brave.  No, I am not giving up Gilmore Girls.   I am taking off across country  (well, just to Northern Utah, but it will feel like a lot longer),  by myself with 3 little boys.  The hubby, teenagers and Co-Ed will meet up with us in a couple of days.  I wanted to take off earlier because it seems we are always rushing through Utah and don't have time to stop and smell the Taco Time.  There are places to go and BYU mint brownies to eat and heck if I'm not going to do it.  

I am not inexperienced in long road trips.  We used to live back east and drove out west a couple of times with a mini-van full of kids.  Those are trips that legends are made of.  Like the time we discovered lice in my daughters hair as we were headed to a house full of family at Christmas time.  And the time we actually drove straight through the night as the kids slept.  I kept us all alive with an intravenous line of Dr. Pepper and 80's music on my Walkman (for you young bucks, that is what we listened to music on before i-anything was invented).  

So a few hours in the car with my 3 sweet, quiet, loving little boys will be a walk in the amusement park.  I have however armed myself with travel tactics just in case things get ugly.  There is a fresh pile of DVDs from the video store.  There are bags of crackers, fruit snacks, licorice, assorted Easter candy and sodas.  And there is stuff for the kids too.  My iPod is updated with tunes and audio books. Oh and of course each kid will get a couple of tablespoons of Benadryl before we go, just for good measure.  

I am strangely looking forward to this little show of independence.  Though I actually see rain in the forecast and maybe even some snow (Really Utah? Really? It was 80 degrees here today. Just sayin') I am going to go postal, so to speak, and not let rain nor sleet or snow keep me from my goal.  

So I go into that good night and tightly packed SUV, armed with chocolate, caffeine and visions of the big mountains and even bigger hair that await me.

If this does not go well, I will be joining Susan Smith in prison because I will have driven my own kids into a lake.  Wish them luck.


Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I am Iron Man and friends

This is the kind of Super Hero I need...

Iron Man

And I think you would all agree he needs some sidekicks...

Dishwashing Man

Vacuuming Man

Cooking Man (as long as he cleans up after himself)

Toilet Cleaning Man ( no one has ever seen his face)

Chauffer Man (faster than a flying fruit snack)

Tampon Buying Man (Very elusive. Only comes out at night, every 28 days)

Daddy- Hubby-Fake Tatto Wearing-Works 60  hours a week-Recycling-Scouting-Granola Loving-Yard Work Doing- Poop Scooping-Keeps Wife Happy- MAN!!!


Monday, March 29, 2010

Gimme' a (spring) break...

It is that time of year again, spring break.  When I was young it was called Easter vacation and "Spring Break" was for the girls in Florida that end up on "Girls Gone Wild" videos.  But since it is now politically incorrect to acknowledge religious holidays anymore, it is now "spring break" for one and all.  And today I am wondering what it is a break from?

For my kids it is a break from school and homework, piano lessons and all other extra-curricular.  Which for me means a break from driving.  It also means sleeping in a bit, which is sooooo my thing.  But as I stare down 7 loads of laundry, I am discovering it is not a complete break for me.  It is not a break from making meals, doing dishes, and breaking up fights.  I think you have to go out of town for that.

So I think I am going to Florida, or maybe just Lake Mead and make a "Mom's Gone Wild" video.  I am going to sport my sexiest tankini, drink the strongest sparkling cider I can find, until I pass out.  I am going to play beach volleyball, enter a wet stretch mark contest and make-out with my husband (then he has to leave).  I am going to sunburn parts of me I didn't even know I had and get a tatto that says "Team Edward."    I am going to sleep in a strange mom's bedroom and "drunk" dial old boyfriends to let them know what they are missing.

Yea that is what I am going to do.  But first, I have to finish the laundry.


Friday, March 26, 2010

Not Your Mama's Spring Musical

The "Nine in the Afternoon" boys.  My TanMan is the far right.  

Last night was my kids spring musical.  We are fortunate enough have our 3 youngest boys in a small Christian private school.  It has been home to our pre-school through 8th graders for the last 7 years.  The “music” department has been through a lot of changes.  Our spring musical has consisted of everything from traditional choir music  to “Mice from Outer Space” (I so wish I was joking).  I had  heard rumblings that with our new music teacher this year, things were going to be different.  And those rumblings were correct. 

There were no kindergarteners dressed in spring dresses with flowers around their heads.  There was no welcoming in spring with a song about birds and honeybees.  There were no 8th grade boys in the back sulking being too cool for school.  There were 80 kids in red shirts and jeans and smiling faces. 

The music selection was straight from the top of the charts. 

The kindergarten and 1st grade sang “New Soul” by Yael Naim (a singer/songwriter from Israel and shot to the charts with the Mac commercials) My daughter and I could not takes our eyes of these 5 and 6 year olds singing their “new souls” out.

The 2nd through 6th grade sang “The Show” by Lenka  “I’m just a little bit caught in the middle…” (has been heard in Old Navy commercials and Parenthood promos).  The song was complete with choreography and enthusiasm. 

A quartet of 7th grade boys, which included my TanMan sang “Nine in the Afternoon” by Panic at the Disco.  They sported blazer’s and ties and all the pubescent coolness they could muster.  Girls were screaming and I think I saw them giving autograph’s afterwards.

Also performed by the entire student body was “Don’t Stop Believing”  by Journey and “Fireflies” by Owl City.  Yea, our school is cool like that. 

The finale was “Viva La Vida” by Coldplay (yes, Coldplay) and the Beatles “Hey Jude” with more “na, na, na, na, na, na, nas” than you could count.  The kids were having a blast and the parents were not checking their watches so they could go home and watch The Office. 

A new standard was set and I am hoping to never have to see mice from outer space again.

On a completely different but deserving note, I am the recipient of another award!  This one was from AmandaK at Blogger Towne.  This is a new blog about all things blogging.  There are great links and help available to blogging neophytes like myself.  Please go check them out. 

I was not prepapared for another award ceremony and my dress is not back from the cleaners (still trying to get Sandra’s tear stains out).  So I decided to go a different route and cover my body in tattoos.  And speaking from simply a minimalist perspective, I now have to wear less clothes.  Can’t wait for the weather to warm up.    

I would like to pass on this award to some more of my beautiful blogging friends

 Lourie at CA Girl.  She a California girl like me, except she still gets to live there and I don't.  

My Friend at Fat, Female and 40 because hey, who isn't?

Lisa at Blue and Shoe.  She is a not so reformed 80's girl like myself.  We have to stick together or Pretty in Pink will simply be a distant memory.  

Amy at I Wish I Was in Dixie.  I wish I knew where Dixie was.  But I know where her blog is so I am good.  

Saimi at Three Days a Week.  She is a preschool teacher and wrights about her little cherubs.  It makes me glad I am not a teacher and that there are women like her that are!

So I need to go add antother tat.  Have a great weekend. 


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Neti What?

Just when I thought it was safe to go  outside. 

The sun has been showering down some serious spring weather.  Buds are blooming and my dogs are eyeballing each other more than usual.  But with that we pay a price.  Even here in the desert we are not immune to springtime’s cruel joke. With all the spring loveliness comes the high pollen count.  Now, I am not sure what a pollen count is but I know it affects my nostrils.  So on a scale that only a real nerd would know, the pollen count here in Sin City is like a bazillion times higher than normal. Really? My puffy eyes and snot dripping on the keyboard gave me no indication!

My kids who have normally not suffered are suffering too. 

“Mom, my eyes itch.”
“Mom, my throat hurts.”

Yea, join the crowd.  So today as I was on my 37th Kleenex , I remembered something under my sink.  No, not the 5 year old left over nursing pads.  I had stored under there a neti pot.  It sounds like some kind of mid-evil toilet, when in fact it is a torture device for the sinus cavities.  I saw Dr Wizard of Oz talk it about it on Oprah a few years ago and being the Oprah lemming I was back then, I bought one (I have since broken Oprah’s evil spell on me.  That is a whole other post).  And there it sat under my sink.

So today I thought, why the dripping snot not?  It looks like a small teapot with a long spout.  I filled it with warm water and the small saline packet provided.   I hung my head over my sink and shoved the spout into a nostril and slowly poured.  There was that lovely sensation you get when you jump in a swimming pool and get water up your nose.  Yep, self-induced drowning.  And like some weird circus freak, the water I poured in one nostril, came out the other!!!  And I thought the reproductive system was awesome!  There pouring into the sink was some serious snot.   Then I got to do the other nostril.  Same weird freak show again.  Then after blowing water and what I think was brain tissue out of my nose for a few more minutes, my drip was gone!!! All those years ago Dr Wizard of Oz was right!  Almost tempts me to watch Oprah again. Almost.

Instructions say to do it every two hours as needed.  Seriously?  I think if I do that more than once a week I will have no sense of smell and go blind. So in my busy house where even toilets rarely get flushed, at least today my sinuses were.


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Happiness Project: Dress for Dessert

In the name of all things happiness, namely The Happiness Project, started by Leigh over at Leigh vs Laundry, I am posting a pic of something that makes me happy and a bit hungry...

I have always been an unapologetic Sees candy lover.  But, recently Lindt-Lindor chocolates are coming in a very close second.  And  I decided this is my new Easter dress.


Monday, March 22, 2010

Just Another Manic Sunday

I am reposting this because
A. I am lazy, and pressed for time and not writing anything new today
B.  I wrote this when no one read my blog
C. It is still true and worth repeating and will hopefully  make you thankful for any Sunday you have that THIS does not happen.
D.  All of the above


Sunday has always been an effort.  Trying to be relaxed and feel the spirit of the Sabbath while looking for Sunday shoes, printing last minute things for lessons only to discover there in no ink in the printer,  telling my 15 yr old why he can't where white socks to church and getting an equal amount of cheerios in the baggies so there is no screaming in sacrament meeting.  The list goes on.  I will dare say it has gotten a little easier the older the kids have gotten.  But now it is praying that the teenager with her own car gets there safely and on time.  Sitting in sacrament meeting my mind often wanders to THAT day.   That Sunday when the "very jaws of hell gaped open it's mouth wide after me." A bit dramatic, yes, but you can decide for yourself.

Now this tale is not for the faint of heart or weak of stomach as it involves at least 3 different kinds of bodily fluids.  And, unfortunately it is all true.

I was 8 months pregnant with #3.  Makenzie was 3 and Brandon was 17 mos.  Robert was working several different part time jobs.  We had one car and he had to work on Sunday.  We had just moved and were in a new congregation.   My hubby dropped us off with his blessing.  I had good kids and was confident I could handle things on my own.  Sitting in the pew and before sacrament even started, Makenzie wet her pants.  Or I should say, denim skirt.  Not knowing what else to do, or bother someone for a ride home, I told her to stay standing up and let it dry.  We made it through sacrament, stinky, but survived hour one nonetheless. 

 Hour two.  Brandon seemed to not be feeling well.  I took him into the bathroom, where there was no changing table, and laid him next to the sink to change him.  I opened his diaper and diarrhea came pouring out, all over his outfit and the ladies coat laying on the counter.  I was mortified and apologetic as I cleaned up to the best of my ability.  Brandon was now down to his diaper.  I was cuddling him in the hallway when my one tender mercy of the day approached me.  It was my a young mom I knew with an outfit for Brandon.  Her son had grown out of it and she had brought it to church to give to me.  I was so grateful to clothe my son.  That was hour two.

Hour three.  I sat in the last meeting and Brandon was finally falling asleep in my arms.  Ahhhh.  In comes Makenzie's teacher.  With Makenzie in tow.  She had been acting up and the teacher, who was very young, could not handle it.  I had to get up and take Makenzie to the hallway.  After a very "loving" talking to, I took her back to class.  Brandon of coarse was awake by now.  I snuck back into class, and stood in the back swaying my boy back to sleep.  There was a woman sitting next to me with her purse on the floor.  Now, her purse was one of those that had several sections  filled to the brim and would not close.  So it was the perfect target for Brandon's vomit.  Yep.  Right in the purse.  Lesson stopped.   Everyone starred.  Stinky vomit smell enveloped the room.  Doors were open.  I don't remember much after that.  Apologies were made I am sure.  I was in a daze.

I remember waiting outside with my kids and my husband picked us up.

"Hi honey.  How was church?"

So now, 14 years later, I know it can never get any worse than that.  Or at least it hasn't. Yet.


Friday, March 19, 2010

Sandy Needs to Blog

It is AWARD DAY!  I was honored enough to receive an award this week.  It is from my bloggy friend Leanne at My Home and My Hips Are Both Double Wide.  Her humor and wit is also Double Wide! She is a breath of fresh air when you are having a hard day.  She makes me laugh, smile and think and I am usually not such a multi-tasker. We both started blogging very recently and she was one of my first virtual friends.  We with the warped brains have got to stick together. 

I would like to accept this award in honor of Sandra Bullock who I think could use virtual sunshine today. She is the Best Actress with the worse husband.  But Sandy, dear Sandy,  there were a few surgically enhanced red flags in the form of Jesse’s first two wives, who happen to be porn stars.  So where you show awesome judgment in your movie choices, your husband picking skills, not so much. Just saying.  But I am not saying that I still would not want Sandra to play me in my life story.  Though I have no large black children, I think she could do me justice.    

The dress I am wearing today for my award ceremony is very similar to Sandra’s Oscar dress, except it looks a little more like pajamas. I have no make-up on and my hair is blonde, not brunette, and in a pony.  Other than that our resemblance is uncanny.  

This award did not come with any rules (whew) so I am going to do what I want with it.  And I have decided to keep it all to myself.  I deserve it.  

Okay just kidding  (not really, but I think I am supposed to say that).  I really would like to pass this award on to some bloggy friends that I have grown to adore.  I think we could all sit down together and immediately be BBF’s  (best blog friends).  Now please don't feel bad if I left you out.  There is only so much of me to go around.

So with out further adieu...

Evelyn Perkins at the The Perks of Life.  Great taste in music, cute kids and we both find Utah mom's to be an interesting species.  

Krista at Shades of Blonde.   We have a lot in common besides the chemically enhanced blonde hair. We both have teenagers.  Enough said.  

Jackie at House of Sarager.  She is the adorable young mom I used to be until I got old and cranky.  Jackie, sorry but I am your future. 

Rosie at Reading Rosie.  She is a mom and a librarian.  And everyone knows I love me a librarian.  Especially one as off kilter as myself.  You all need to get to her blog and tell her what day it is.  

Charlotte at Memories for Later.  She has six kids like me and she has that touch of insanity that I like in a mom and a blogger.

Cyndi at 6 Ring Circus.  She has four boys.  Yea, I can relate to that. 

Please take time to meet my friends.  But don't get too comfy.  Because as my daughter sang when she was three, 

The more we get together, together, together,
The more we get together the happier we'll be.
'Cause your friends are my friends and my friends are my friends...


Thursday, March 18, 2010

Scripturally Dysfunctional

So now that I have you all thinking that I am raising smart, spiritual kids, I will let you in on the deterioration of our family scripture reading last night.(Yes, we try to read every night.  No, it does not happen every night. But I am still hoping for brownie points for thinking about it.  Or maybe just a brownie.  Forget the points.)

The hubby and 12 yr old are not home (Yes, I am a brave woman for attempting this on my own). 

I call the 8 and 5 year old to come read pretend like they're listening to scriptures.  They will not leave Sponge Bob and I am too tired to argue.  

So 14 yr. old Sassy, 16 yr old Man/Boy and 18 yr old Co-ed come with little coercion.  

I put on my reading glasses and maybe get two verses in when the conversation turned to an argument Sassy and Man/Boy got in yesterday.  It was on the very important topic of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez.  

He's gay boy.

She's a lesbian. 

Let's just say it ended with Man/Boy saying he liked hot lesbians 

Oh please forgive them.  Can we continue? Two more verses read.

Man/Boy, who is really into jokes these days,...I bought an Eminem for 50 Cents.  That was Ludacris!  
Okay, we all laughed.  (Yes, I know who all those guys are.  I am a cool mom like that)

So this reminds Sassy of her new funny... If you Kanye me, I'll Chris Brown you and Tiger Woods your mom.  

I try to look motherly and astonished.  That is not an appropriate joke.  Do you know what "Tiger Woods your mom" means?  

Sassy says, Yes and I became a fan of it on Facebook!  

These are the angels I am raising.  Two more verses.  

Sassy then shares why she is glad she took health online and not in school.

They show pictures of real body parts with diseases! 

 Co-ed chimes in about a scene in Mean Girls with bananas and condoms. (Note to self, do not let them watch Mean Girls again).  This then turns into a conversation about sexual attraction and why ugly people end up with hot people.  And any of those conversations turn into why "boys are dumb" from both my girls.  

We finish a chapter somehow.  The little guys have appeared because Sponge Bob was over.  Time for prayer.  The girls are pillow fighting, the dogs are chasing each other in circles and I am saying a silent prayer that God will see that I tried and forget the rest of what He may have heard.  


Wednesday, March 17, 2010

And don't leave kids unattended on my blog either....

I found this sign (hung ever so professionally with packing tape),  at a dressing room where my college girl was trying on clothes.  I would now like to add to the sign...


Whew.  I feel so much better now.  I have been holding that in for a while.  I took my daughter to this store because it is cheap and while most of the clothes are of questionable taste, there are gems to be found.  Like the cute $10 button down shirt I got for my daughter.  To add to the classiness of the store, the dressing room itself is like a giant girls locker room, without the lockers.  No partitions, no privacy. Another reason the store selection should be restricted to the very young.  I don't care to see anyone's business trying to squeeze into a dress 2 sizes too small.  Not a pretty picture.  Yes, I live in Las Vegas so cleavage and booties are pretty much in season all year round but that does not mean I have to look at it.  

Me: Look at these Daisy Duke shorts. Why don't they just call them underwear and get it over with.  
Daughter who gets it:  Because if they call them shorts they don't seem so sluty. 

So while we are on the subject of completely awesome conversations with my daughter...

I was teasing her about the country music she had us listening to in the car.  

Daughter who gets it: Country music has good values.  They sing about God and family. You should be glad I am listening to it. 
Me: You mean like Cowboy Casanovas?  
Daughter who gets it:  Would you rather me marry a Cowboy Casananova or a pimp?

Hmmmm. Good point.  Glad I am raising one of the good ones.  


Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Better than new car smell...

A five day old baby girl...

Brought to you by Leigh vs Laundry and her Happiness Project.  Every Tuesday simply post a pic of something that makes you happy.  Go see what makes Leigh happy.


Monday, March 15, 2010

A Two Bra Day

I happened onto something quite by accident.  It was about a year ago but it has changed my life.  Now I am ever so hesitant to share my secret but in the interest of sisterhood I will.  (if you in fact are not a sister but a "brother" you may pass this onto your wife).  

I don't remember much about the day in general.  But I do know it was a Friday.  I am sure I got dressed sluggishly as I usually do and got the kids to school.  This was a special Friday because it was Book Club day.  I love book club.  It was just my sister (in-laws) and myself.   We discussed the book which I had not finished reading yet.  We then chatted about a million other things, as we usually do, late into the night.  

I came home to a quiet, dark house.  I decided to finish reading my book in my  walk-in closet so I would not disturb anyone.  I finished the last page around 2 am and proceeded to undress for bed.  After I removed my shirt and bra, I was very surprised to find I still had on another bra !  I laughed out loud as I realized I had been wearing two bras, one right over the top of the other, all day long.  In my robotic state that morning I had put two on without even noticing.  

I called my sister the next morning because I knew she would get a good laugh out of it.  And she did.  My two sisters had been wondering aloud to each other if I had gotten "work done" because I was looking extra bodacious.  Or perhaps I was stuffing my bra with those chicken cutlets in a box.  No, I would not do either of those things (okay maybe I would)  But it did get me thinking. 

I have never shied away from any of the padded, or shape creating bras.  Especially after nursing six kids.  I will take any help I can get.  But I did not even notice anything different on the two bra day.  It was so comfortable!  I was onto something.  No need for plastic surgery or stuffing chicken cutlets in my bra.  Just wear two bras!  Nobody but you, God and your partner will know.  

So now the women in my family refer to it as a "two-bra day".  The day you are feeling a little frumpy, a little less than perky,  or you really need to get good service at the auto repair shop, go ahead and slip on that 2nd bra.  You don't need to look like our dear friend Dolly, but it does not hurt to accentuate our positives.  


Sunday, March 14, 2010

Preordained Cocoa

I was sitting in church today with my girl that is home for spring break.  I was eating the "reverence" cheerios and wishing they were covered in chocolate.  The discussion in class was about 'The Creation'.  Some were wondering if we as spirits had any say in the creation and got to "help" with anything.

I whispered to my daughter, "I think I helped with the flowers."

Without skipping a beat my daughter turned to me, "You would have been all about the cocoa bean."

  She knows me so well and she is so right.  I would have kicked butt on that committee.


Friday, March 12, 2010

T.G.I.F.A.I.H.C. (Thank Goodness It's Friday and I have Chocolate)

Friday  Round-Up

I know some of you have probably been losing sleep wondering about my aforementioned rat problem. Well, he is still living fat and happy and somewhere in my house.  Just because you buy a $30 humane trap and load it with his foods of choice, does not mean he will come. The movie Field of Dreams has lead us all astray.  And he is still there. I know it.  I can feel it.  He had his chance.  I tried being nice, but no more.  We are going for the less humane option.  The kids will have to get over it.  We will just add it their already growing therapy bill.  So Ratzilla will soon be buried in an unmarked grave or an unmarked garbage can.  Depends on how generous I am feeling.  

In other news, my dear sweet redhead man/boy, high-jacked my blog.  He wrote something obnoxious under my Kids Quotes.  Yes, it could have been much worse. But I am the non-forgiving kind of parent and very patient.  I am just waiting for the man/boy to leave his Facebook logged in.  Then I will see what havoc I can wreak on his personal life.  He'll learn to mess with the mommy.   

My oldest baby is coming home for spring break.   I love having all my chicks under one roof.  It is a strange feeling to have one gone.  I am always counting heads and feeling like one is missing.  One less place setting at the table.  One empty bed.   She would rather be home for her spring break than anywhere else.  I am sure it is not because of the free maid service, meals, access to cars and shopping trips.  I am sure it is NOT because of that.  

So I will attend to eating my chocolate. hunting my rat, and loving my co-ed.  


Thursday, March 11, 2010

Holy Blogger Batman!

You have all heard this saying...

God could not be everywhere so he created mothers.  

How sweet and nacho cheesy.  I would like to add some more cheese with that order (that will be an extra $.75 please)

God could not be everywhere so he created bloggers.  

Oh yea, I went there.  I put bloggers on a holy pedestal and I am not backing down.  Bloggers are no longer the ugly-step-sister of the writing world.  Blogs are legitimate sources of humor, advice and information that rivals any public library (sorry dad).  We put ourselves out there, vulnerable, alone, cold and desperate for attention (a bit dramatic, but effective).  We share the intimate details of our naughty kids, our love of girl scout cookies, and our hatred of swimsuits.  And for what reason?  To avoid housework?  Yes, maybe a little.  But it is mostly to unclutter our minds  and to validate our existence.  What better validation is there than she who comments and supports our insanity.  Our insatiable need and love of comments keeps us blogging day after day, week after week.  If comments were calories, we would all belong on that ship in the movie WALL-E.  

Now I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, "Wow, she must have been at this for years! She is so plugged into the blogging world and what we are wanting and needing."  Well, I have a surprise for you.  I have only been blogging consistently for 6 weeks.  When I started blogging again, I knew I wanted to get on the fast track of the blogging underbelly.  I wanted to find women like myself.  Voila!
I found and joined the Lady Bloggers Society.  I immediately had places to go and blogs to see.  I got free advice, new friends and the of course lots of comment validation, which is their middle name.  Please go check it out and tell them I sent you.  

When you arrive there you will immediately feel cool and appreciated.  And isn't that what God wants for all of us?


Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Why you should not go to the mall in March...

So who else saw swimsuits in the stores this week?

Who else went home and ate a box of cookies cookie?

And now who else has to  gets to wear this to the pool this summer?

Yea.  That's what I thought.


Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Open Marriage (Yep, that's what I said)

The other day I was reading Cyndi's blog , 6 Ring Circus, about a funny conversation she had with her husband about the actress Mo'Nique and her open marriage.  I did not think much about the open marriage thing until I saw her interview with Barbara Walters.  Yes, she has an open marriage.  But it sounds like it is more open on his side of the bed than hers.  But it's okay, Mo'Nique says they have been best friends for 25 years what?  That kind of logic, even coming from Hollywood leaves me speechless (I said speechless not blogless). Why get married in the first place?  Why make that commitment and then not commit?   For Mr. Mo'Nique it is obviously a win-win.  He gets to fool around and then  go back home to the Oscar winning bread winner.  And for a strong woman like Mo'Nique, does she not know how degrading this is to women?  Aren't we already degraded enough by Donald Trump and thong underwear?  I think she is taking that saying, "If you love something set it free....." a little too seriously.  I think it  is supposed to pertain to butterflies or something, not to husbands.   So I guess "open marriage" means to her that she is open to a lifetime of wondering where her man is and trips to the health clinic.

Marriage is a sacred covenant.  But I am no prude and I have discovered I am open to a lot of things in my marriage.

I am open to my husband being a doctor and seeing naked body parts all day long.  As long as those parts are wrinkly, diseased, and over 60, I am good.

I am open to my husband working 12 hour days so I can stay home and blog.  I have heard there is other stuff I should be doing that I guess I'll get to eventually.

I am open to my husband doing the camping trips, science projects, and dog poop pick up while I do the clothes shopping and self beautification projects.

I am open to cooking the occasional meal as long as my husband takes me out every once in awhile to a restaurant that does not have a drive thru, playplace or any food that starts with "Mc"anything.

I am open to shaving my legs and armpits if he plucks his nose and ear hairs.

I am open to being the family chauffer as long as he is open to me hitting his car (yea true story).

I am open to my husband wearing his rock concert t-shirts as long I am allowed to wear my baggy sweats,  ponytail and Edward Cullen t-shirt.

I am open to texting emoticons back and forth all day.

I am open to my husband smelling really good and still giving my heart a pitter-patter when I kiss his neck.

I am open to crawling into bed every night with the same man, for another 20 years, as long it is a king size bed and he knows when to stay on his side and when to cross the line :)

What are you open to?

Monday, March 8, 2010

Beauty is Pain and Other Awful Truths

The Tongue Patch diet.  Yep, it is as creepy as it sounds.  A doctor actually sews a mesh patch  to your tongue making it PAINFUL to eat.  On a horror scale of 1  to 10 that is about a 99  for me.  I can't think of anything worse than a  painful chocolate-chip cookie.  You wear the patch  for 30 days and you go on a strictly liquid diet. You can lose from  20-30 pounds.  Really?  Eating no solid food and losing weight?  Who would have thunk?  How many painful things can we do to ourselves in the name of beauty?

As young girls we drive posts through our ears, with no anesthetic  just so we can hang jewelry off our lobes.  And before ear piercing guns there were ice cubes and needles.  Even Sandy in Grease was not going for that.  Of course I don't know which was more painful, getting my ears pierced or wearing my mom's clip-on-earrings that made my lobes completely numb.

Then there is tweezing and waxing.  Oh yea there is a brilliant idea.  Let's pull hairs out of our most delicate areas one at  a time, or better yet pour  hot wax on  our body and pull the hairs out all at once. And  repeat again next  month.  And you have you tried  eyebrow threading?  A beautiful Indian woman leans over you with thread  coming out of her mouth (That is oh so sanitary I  am sure) and makes  thread -like scissors/tweezers on your face.  Supposedly it is painless but I would rather be giving birth.  If we all agreed at once to stop doing it and have uni-brows and agree to wear swimsuits down to our elbows and knees then no one would stand out like Sasquatch.  Agreed?  Good.

Then there is this painful thing called eating healthy and exercising.  You are supposed to cut out sugar, caffeine, white bread and french fries among other things.  Crazy  huh?  And you don't even have to have a patch on your tongue or staple in your belly.  You are just supposed to resist in the name of health.  Who wants to live that long anyway?   Whoever said, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels", never had a Shamrock Shake.

Don't even get me started on exercising.  You can even pay money for that painful, sweaty experience by going to a gym.  The thought of donning exercise attire and going to a spin class makes the tongue patch sound appealing.

There are a myriad of other things like liposuction, chemical peels, the oband, lasers and Botox.  They all sound like they belong in a nuclear testing site rather than on our precious bodies.

Yes, I have told my daughters for years that beauty is pain but that is only after I have burned them with the curling iron.

 We all need to agree to stop this madness.  Stop the pain. And the money we save on beautifying ourselves can be put to much better use like stopping world hunger, literacy programs and Shamrock Shakes.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Cluttered and Incoherent

So I have been busy adding some stuff to my blog and making it more cluttered and inocherent.  That way it more closely matches my life.  Enjoy?  Now for some blog business.  Last Saturday I said I was going to do a theme on Saturday's.  Something about saving money on stuff.  It was a dumb name.  Well I decided that was too much pressure to shop each week just so I could have something to show you that I saved money on. Kind of defeats the purpose.  I am not sure I even want to post something every Saturday  (yes, you can be sad).   So you can cross that Saturday theme off your list of things to read.  Go ahead do it now.  I will wait.

Stuff I Save Money on Saturday

There.  Now I can continue with randomness. My daughter texted this to me yesterday.  I think she found it on Facebook.  Be jealous that this is what my (almost) 15 yr old daughter thinks of me.  

I sent it to everyone I love.  My sister-in-law's response was "Well, then I must love you a whole lot!"
Now I am giving it to all my blogging friends.  Pay it forward.  

Things I am looking forward to this weekend...

We are having a family movie night at my parent's house tonight because their TV kicks our TV's butt. We are going to watch 2012.  I love a good disaster movie.  You can never get enough of watching LA get destroyed.  And there is nothing like scaring the little kids into thinking the earth will swallow up our house any second.  

If anything it will inspire me, for about 24 hours, to at least think about our 72 hour kits and add more that just granola bars and toilet paper. 

I am also going to the LDS Temple with my husband.  It is where we had one of our first dates.  It is where we got married almost 20 years ago.  It is where I get to turn my cell phone off, and feel peace for at least a couple of hours. 

And ironically it has one of the best views of the Las Vegas Strip!

I am also hoping to go looking at houses tomorrow.  Yes, we have to move. I am  trying to look on the bright side.  I have a new house to decorate,  We will have new neighbors to welcome us and bring us cookies, I can get rid of some clutter, or at least pack it up for a few days and we can leave our rat behind (Yes, he is still here.  I don't want to talk about it).  I would love something that looks like this...

Ahhhh. A girl can dream.  I just have to tell myself the bigger the house, the more toilets to clean.  
So I will settle for something with a walk in closet  big enough  that  if  my hubby and I are both in there, our butts don't touch.  That is all I want.  Oh, and a pool.  And if it had a hot tub that would be nice.  Okay, that's all.  Well, something on a cul-de-sac would be nice.  Okay, that's it.  

I also get to go to church on Sunday with my family.  I will pack the "reverence" cheerios and hope for a peaceful 3 hours.  Wish me luck. 

I hope with all my butt that all my blog friends have a completely cluttered and incoherent weekend too.  

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The big fruit of my loins

This post is just a big excuse to post pictures of my baby boy.  Yes I have 5 other pieces of loin fruit but today he is my favorite.

You know how when you have a lot of little kids running around and older mothers look at you and say "Oh just enjoy it when they are young.  They grow up too fast."  Well I thought they were nuts.  Enjoy what?  The poop diapers, no sleep, sticky floors, clothes that smell like spit-up? I  did enjoy my kids when they were little but it was HARD! (said in whining voice).  Now it's not like I am retired from parenting.  I still have a 5 year old terrorist in the house but I really do enjoy my older kids.  I don't have to wipe their bums,  hold the tissue while they blow,  make sure their clothes match or use  my momma  spit on their juice mustaches.

 My oldest man/boy is 16.  There are lots of things that I like about him.

*He drives his sister to early morning seminary at 6 am and then to school and then home again.  And he lets me pay for his gas money.  Isn't that sweet?

* He has only been on one date since he turned 16.  And that one was girl's choice. His hormones are still in check (Yes, he likes girls.  He likes them A LOT! He's just not sure what to do with them yet)

* I can have a conversation with him.  That does not mean there is not the teenage rolling of the eyes and the "oh mom you are so dumb" looks on his face, but he does listen to me.

* I don't have to tell him to bathe, brush his teeth or wear clean socks everyday.

* He still tolerates my hugs and kisses.

The things that make me sad...

* He is taller than me and still growing.

* He can eat an entire box of cheese crackers in one sitting.

* He is stronger than me. And he knows it.

* He voice sounds like his dads.  I hear him talking downstairs and I think my hubby is home. Nope, it is just my man/boy that sounds like him.

*He still lets me buy his clothes and says he likes them even when he doesn't.

* He tolerates my hug and kisses.

On Sunday he had to put on a tuxedo to give an announcement in church about an upcoming formal dance.  He then handed each girl a rose, in true "The Bachelor" style.  (Though he could make a better decision than The Bachelor, with his eyes closed.  But that is a whole other blog)

Yes  that  is my boy turned man/boy.  Tall, red, handsome.  Just like his dad.  Maybe that's why I like him so much.  

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


So have you been shopping for jeans lately?  Yea, me too.  Nothing like standing in a dressing room, trying on jeans and having your self-esteem and self-image plummet so fast the lady in the next stall can hear it.

But I have decided it is not me.  It is the jeans.

Just the names alone give you some indication of the evil that lurks within.  You have mid-rise, low-rise, so-low-rise and  I-am-not-wearing-any-underwear-rise.  A Brazilian wax comes complimentary with those I think.  Then there are the high-rise or "mom jeans."  These are the ones that land somewhere between the 6th and 7th rib.  Then there are the wide leg, boot cut, straight leg and peg leg.  It depends on  if you want to look like an upside down pear or a church bell.

I am looking for something in between.  I am looking for something with a front zipper longer than an inch.   I am looking for something between the mid-rise and high-rise that could probably be called muffin-top-rise.  You know what I am talking about ladies.  Something to cover the god-given layer of child-bearing fat that no amount of crunches or carrot eating will get rid of.  The layer that so casually and calmly rises out and over any jean waistline that  dares to come near it.  Muffin tops can be seen on young and old.  And when left unchecked can cause even the most hormonal man to look away.

Low-rise jeans are not doing women with muffin tops any favors.  Unless you have done Denise Austin's Abs of Steel workout along with P90X for about 5 years straight AND never had babies, you should slowly walk away from the low-rise.  Just walk away.

The Muffin-Top-Rise-Jeans need to meet many criteria.  They need to  not only cover the muffin-top but flatten it without causing cramps or suffocation.  They need to cover the c-section scar but not reach the saggy-nursed-too-many-kids-boobs.  They need to 'give' when I bend over to pick up  dirty socks,  but not give so much that I look like Brittany Spears on a first  date.

Is that too much to ask?  Apparently it is.  Until I find my Muffin-Top-Rise jeans I will have to be content in my stretchy, comfy yoga  pants, that have never seen a day of yoga in their life.

Monday, March 1, 2010

You like me. You really like me.!

Well at least Serene does.  She gave me my FIRST blog award.  This was even after I called her beautiful little girl a boy.  So it must be blog love.   I am new to this whole awards thing.  I am assuming there will be some kind of official ceremony and a monetary prize.  So I am waiting for the fancy people to start calling me, asking me to wear their gowns and jewelry for my walk down the red blog carpet.  Guess I need to pull out my good Spanx.

This award comes with rules!  What kind of award has rules?!?!? Oh well, I will just graciously accept and will  not be a blog party pooper.

First I have to name 10 things that make me happy.  This is a tall order  for a Monday. So the list may be hanging out in the "shallow" end of the pool.   The only order these are in is the random order of my thoughts.

1. My washer and dryer.  As much as I do not like laundry I am glad I am not doing it in a stream and beating my clothes on a rock.  But I guess if I lived somewhere where I had to do that, we would not have so many clothes to wash. Hmmmm.....

2. The Amazing Race.  Just knowing it is on my Tivo to watch while I fold the above mentioned laundry, makes me happy.  This show  fulfills my every fantasy of seeing the world on someone elses dime, racing through streets in smelly taxi cabs and fighting with my husband in front  of millions of people.  Then we would actually be able to replay our arguments and prove that I am right.

3. Girls Night Out.  Movies, food, no kids, no leg shaving required.  What more can a girl ask for?

4. My iPhone.  I will soon have an entire post dedicated to this little piece of heaven I can hold in my hand.

5. My bed.  Small enough to share secrets and small talk with my hubby and big enough for two dogs, and a few kids to cuddle in.

6. Church.  It keeps our whole family busy and out of trouble.  It teaches me things to keep me from killing my children and divorcing my husband.  It gives me hope, peace and happiness that can't be found anywhere else.  Not even in a candy wrapper.

7.  When "it" sinks in.  We had a family discussion last night about living together forever and how I wanted all my kids with me in heaven and not one "empty chair."  Well, after five year old, Jared, blurted out a choice "Oh hell" this morning (see my blog on THAT kid) my 8 year old, Colton said "Mom, Jared's chair is going to be empty."  Precious, funny and sad all at the same time.

8. Gilmore Girls.  This will soon have it's own post too.  Obsessed much?  Yes, yes I am.

9. Girl Scout Cookies.  From the cute girls that sell them to the last bite of thin mints or Samoas (which is now called Carmel Delights. Don't get me started) these are truly happiness in a box.  And everyone knows that cookies bought to support a cause, do not have calories.

10. Blogging.  I have made lame attempts in the past to blog.  But since I decided this year to be consistent in my writing, it is like I have found a new best friend.  I love writing my thoughts, sending them out into the blogosphere and seeing what comes back.  Freakishly fun.

Okay rule number two.  Name and give the award to 10 other  bloggers.  Well I have only been active in the blog universe for over a month and feel like I don't even know 10 bloggers.  So I am  going to name five.  Oh yea, I am a rule breaker.  I am the Kanye West of bloggers.

  Makenzie's Blog.  Okay, yes i'ts my daughter (Award nepotism?  You bet!) She hasn't blogged forever but she is a great writer and it's one of the only ways I could keep tabs on her while she is away at school.  Maybe if a few bloggers stopped by and encouraged her, she would start again (but not at the sacrifice of your grades dear).

Five Carpenters.  My friend AB makes me smile and laugh and she once sent a present that I did not reciprocate.  So maybe this will  make up for it.  

Mary  I met her at Mormon Mommy Blogs.  Her last name is Darcy and she lives at Pemberley.  She makes me laugh and her photos are awesome.  

You are such a joy to me.  Okay, it's another family member but hey, my award is mine to give.  Valerie is an amazing, award winning photographer and mommy to 1 1/2 girls.   I am a very proud auntie.  

Yours Mine and Ours.  She is a very new friend from Mormon Mommy Blogs.  Meredith reminds me a lot of myself with little babies trying to support a professional student/husband/daddy.  

Whew. That was a lot of work. I may have to quash my talent a bit so I don't get too many awards!  Thanks again Serene.  Hope I do not disappoint. 


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