Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Muffin-Top-Rise-Jeans

So have you been shopping for jeans lately?  Yea, me too.  Nothing like standing in a dressing room, trying on jeans and having your self-esteem and self-image plummet so fast the lady in the next stall can hear it.

But I have decided it is not me.  It is the jeans.

Just the names alone give you some indication of the evil that lurks within.  You have mid-rise, low-rise, so-low-rise and  I-am-not-wearing-any-underwear-rise.  A Brazilian wax comes complimentary with those I think.  Then there are the high-rise or "mom jeans."  These are the ones that land somewhere between the 6th and 7th rib.  Then there are the wide leg, boot cut, straight leg and peg leg.  It depends on  if you want to look like an upside down pear or a church bell.

I am looking for something in between.  I am looking for something with a front zipper longer than an inch.   I am looking for something between the mid-rise and high-rise that could probably be called muffin-top-rise.  You know what I am talking about ladies.  Something to cover the god-given layer of child-bearing fat that no amount of crunches or carrot eating will get rid of.  The layer that so casually and calmly rises out and over any jean waistline that  dares to come near it.  Muffin tops can be seen on young and old.  And when left unchecked can cause even the most hormonal man to look away.

Low-rise jeans are not doing women with muffin tops any favors.  Unless you have done Denise Austin's Abs of Steel workout along with P90X for about 5 years straight AND never had babies, you should slowly walk away from the low-rise.  Just walk away.


The Muffin-Top-Rise-Jeans need to meet many criteria.  They need to  not only cover the muffin-top but flatten it without causing cramps or suffocation.  They need to cover the c-section scar but not reach the saggy-nursed-too-many-kids-boobs.  They need to 'give' when I bend over to pick up  dirty socks,  but not give so much that I look like Brittany Spears on a first  date.

Is that too much to ask?  Apparently it is.  Until I find my Muffin-Top-Rise jeans I will have to be content in my stretchy, comfy yoga  pants, that have never seen a day of yoga in their life.

22 comments:

val m said...

I don't think I gave you permission to post my picture!!! I guess they don't look as good on me as I thought!! I've decide that they make jeans this way so that I can still say, "I wear a size 6," while if you take my measurement 1" higher its about 8" bigger!! It all a mind game! Let me know when you find that amazing pair of jeans! I did find a pair of Lee jeans with tummy control and I really liked them!(Once I got over the fact that they were Lee's)

My Husband's Watching TV... said...

Please tell me when you find these perfect jeans-I need a pair. And FYI-I've never had kids and I have like two muffins on each side. Love your blog and I think that Oz quote is hilarious!

w said...

oh man. i've given up on jeans. i go straight for the overalls. that's right, girl. i'm bringin' them back.

Sarah loves it all said...

So funny. I can totally relate to this. :(

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

LOLOLOLOL! (Wiping my eyes) *sigh*
Now, where did I put that chocolate chip cookie....

Jackie said...

BAAAA! It's offical! We are best friends.

My muffin top is all that, whole grain, (high) fat!

You. Are. Amazing!

Anonymous said...

Hi Linda! Love your post. Is it sad that I have a stack of pre-baby jeans under my bed that I occasionally pull out, try on and when I can't get them past my thighs, I sigh and throw them back under there thinking....someday. Oh and my oldest is 3 1/2. Visiting from SITSgirls :)

Stephanie
www.momreviewtb.com

Hannah said...

I'm going to have that image stuck in my head all day!

Evelyn Perkins said...

Visiting from Serene's sight. She's right; you ARE funny! Thanks for the laugh!

Unknown Mami said...

Whenever I complain that pants are giving me a muffin top, my husband always says, "The top is the best part of the muffin."

Thank you sooo much for visiting on my SITs day and making me feel special.

ReadingRosie said...

Linda, Thanks for visiting my blog. I did read your Librarians Daughter post and it soooo made me smile and laugh. Your blog is great and our sense of humor is very similar...we are very much alike :) And about lay, lie, laid, etc. I homeschool and that always gives us the MOST problem. We gave up and laid it down ;)

Heather said...

ahahahahaha! SO TRUE! :)
Stopping by from SITS, thanks for an enjoyable read, I'm looking forward to taking a look around the rest of your blog :)

Suzanne Westover said...

I love me some yoga pants. And can I just say that this post made me laugh out loud. Have you seen the Saturday Night Live sketch about the dreaded MOM jean...oh, hilarious. And while I do have several pairs of low, low rise jeans, I find wearing them with a long, long sweater.

CaneWife said...

I saw a ridiculously obscene muffin top the other day. I wonder where these people's friends are... Anyway, if you find said jeans, please post!

Tortuga said...

When you manage to find said jeans, do give me a holler and let me know where!

Have a great day!

Lourie said...

I think those low-rise jeans were just a bad idea from the start. Ever notice that even the skinny girls are constantly having to pull them up?

Krista said...

haha we are for sure on the same page! i have to say that it is partly the fact that jeans are too low rise and that causes the muffin top. i think old navy has some midrise jeans that on me (a 5'2 midget) cover my hipbones and thus no muffin top... i didnt end up buying them so i cant remember where i tried them on! but i feel they are the answers to your jeans prayers!

Jill said...

ahhhahahaha! i hate low rise jeans SO much, there are no words. the only people who look good in those are 80 pound 14 year old girls.

which i am not.

Anonymous said...

Loved your post! If some woman would actually design some jeans that would fit--she would be rich! I loved the comment about the lady who had saved her pre-baby jeans; my pre-baby jeans now fit my 12 year old daughter--now that is SAD!!! 6 Babies, 3 c-sections, and twin-skin means that those jeans will never fit me--but my daughter loves them! Yeah for the kids that make me smile even if my jeans are too tight!

When did I become my Mom said...

Oh lordie I need one of those too. Let me know when you find them!

Bobbi Janay @When did I go from a kid to a grown up? said...

Stopping by from SITS. Have you tried Gap's long and lean jeans, or gaps boyfriend fit jeans. These seem to work for me and I don't like low rise.

Marian said...

Aside from the muffin top jeans, the picture you showed of the 'muffin top' girl made me giggle. Think of the millions spent trying to 'make' the muffin top. if only one could order where to send the fat we injest, we might all be happier...but I doubt it. Laughing is such a happy part of a day. thanks.

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