Monday, March 8, 2010

Beauty is Pain and Other Awful Truths


The Tongue Patch diet.  Yep, it is as creepy as it sounds.  A doctor actually sews a mesh patch  to your tongue making it PAINFUL to eat.  On a horror scale of 1  to 10 that is about a 99  for me.  I can't think of anything worse than a  painful chocolate-chip cookie.  You wear the patch  for 30 days and you go on a strictly liquid diet. You can lose from  20-30 pounds.  Really?  Eating no solid food and losing weight?  Who would have thunk?  How many painful things can we do to ourselves in the name of beauty?

As young girls we drive posts through our ears, with no anesthetic  just so we can hang jewelry off our lobes.  And before ear piercing guns there were ice cubes and needles.  Even Sandy in Grease was not going for that.  Of course I don't know which was more painful, getting my ears pierced or wearing my mom's clip-on-earrings that made my lobes completely numb.

Then there is tweezing and waxing.  Oh yea there is a brilliant idea.  Let's pull hairs out of our most delicate areas one at  a time, or better yet pour  hot wax on  our body and pull the hairs out all at once. And  repeat again next  month.  And you have you tried  eyebrow threading?  A beautiful Indian woman leans over you with thread  coming out of her mouth (That is oh so sanitary I  am sure) and makes  thread -like scissors/tweezers on your face.  Supposedly it is painless but I would rather be giving birth.  If we all agreed at once to stop doing it and have uni-brows and agree to wear swimsuits down to our elbows and knees then no one would stand out like Sasquatch.  Agreed?  Good.

Then there is this painful thing called eating healthy and exercising.  You are supposed to cut out sugar, caffeine, white bread and french fries among other things.  Crazy  huh?  And you don't even have to have a patch on your tongue or staple in your belly.  You are just supposed to resist in the name of health.  Who wants to live that long anyway?   Whoever said, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels", never had a Shamrock Shake.

Don't even get me started on exercising.  You can even pay money for that painful, sweaty experience by going to a gym.  The thought of donning exercise attire and going to a spin class makes the tongue patch sound appealing.

There are a myriad of other things like liposuction, chemical peels, the oband, lasers and Botox.  They all sound like they belong in a nuclear testing site rather than on our precious bodies.

Yes, I have told my daughters for years that beauty is pain but that is only after I have burned them with the curling iron.

 We all need to agree to stop this madness.  Stop the pain. And the money we save on beautifying ourselves can be put to much better use like stopping world hunger, literacy programs and Shamrock Shakes.

14 comments:

Mary said...

Oh my gosh, please tell me that diet is just a cruel joke. Nobody would really sew a patch into their tongue???!!! My gag reflex is going berserk.

Lourie said...

A tongue patch really? Ugh! No thanks. I would much rather have the shamrock shake!

Saimi said...

OK, so that is the worst thing I have ever heard of, a tongue patch?
Just for the record, I have recently surcomed to waxing my eyebrows, and they say girls are the weaker sex!

meredith* said...

oh.my.gosh! beyond gross! I'm all for that complete cover all bathing suit. sign me up.

Krista said...

I'll agree! Where do I sign up? I started counting points and I did really good until they delivered my Girl Scout Cookies. It's just not fair.

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Really? Wow. That IS crazy!

I mean...
I'll go get a shake with you anytime.
After all, it IS liquid and won't effect my tongue patch.

Fat, Female and Forty said...

I think I'd rather suffer the pain of liposuction, tummy tuck and a boob lift at one time - and while I'm on the operating table, how about an eyelift - than have a tongue patch. I bet they don't even give you good drugs for that. Hmmmm.

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

I am all for the uni-brow. I can grow an awesome one. And I'm eating a brownie.

Evelyn Perkins said...

I'm in on the full body swim suit! You've got my vote, Mrs. President!

Robert said...

* Announcing * New Tongue Patch procedure offered at office of Dr Vance. Call today!

Amber said...

I feel like vomiting when I think about that tongue patch thing. I can't believe that! My only question is, how much weight do you gain back when you begin eating solids again? Plus, do they really think Pavlovian tactics will stop you from wanting sugary desserts? Cuz I know that I would probably eat (drink?) shakes for those 50 days.

P.S. Thank you for commenting on my blog, I am adding you to my google reader so that I can come back and keep reading!

Charlotte said...

My husband broke his jaw and had it wired shut. Lost lots of weight with his imposed liquid diet. Wouldn't recommend it for his worst enemy.

Makenzie said...

Ugh. I remember the days of you "fixing" my hair. I'd rather have the tongue patch!

Cyndi @ 6 Ring Circus said...

Mmmm...Shamrock shakes. Yum. :o)

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