Monday, March 8, 2010
Beauty is Pain and Other Awful Truths
The Tongue Patch diet. Yep, it is as creepy as it sounds. A doctor actually sews a mesh patch to your tongue making it PAINFUL to eat. On a horror scale of 1 to 10 that is about a 99 for me. I can't think of anything worse than a painful chocolate-chip cookie. You wear the patch for 30 days and you go on a strictly liquid diet. You can lose from 20-30 pounds. Really? Eating no solid food and losing weight? Who would have thunk? How many painful things can we do to ourselves in the name of beauty?
As young girls we drive posts through our ears, with no anesthetic just so we can hang jewelry off our lobes. And before ear piercing guns there were ice cubes and needles. Even Sandy in Grease was not going for that. Of course I don't know which was more painful, getting my ears pierced or wearing my mom's clip-on-earrings that made my lobes completely numb.
Then there is tweezing and waxing. Oh yea there is a brilliant idea. Let's pull hairs out of our most delicate areas one at a time, or better yet pour hot wax on our body and pull the hairs out all at once. And repeat again next month. And you have you tried eyebrow threading? A beautiful Indian woman leans over you with thread coming out of her mouth (That is oh so sanitary I am sure) and makes thread -like scissors/tweezers on your face. Supposedly it is painless but I would rather be giving birth. If we all agreed at once to stop doing it and have uni-brows and agree to wear swimsuits down to our elbows and knees then no one would stand out like Sasquatch. Agreed? Good.
Then there is this painful thing called eating healthy and exercising. You are supposed to cut out sugar, caffeine, white bread and french fries among other things. Crazy huh? And you don't even have to have a patch on your tongue or staple in your belly. You are just supposed to resist in the name of health. Who wants to live that long anyway? Whoever said, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels", never had a Shamrock Shake.
Don't even get me started on exercising. You can even pay money for that painful, sweaty experience by going to a gym. The thought of donning exercise attire and going to a spin class makes the tongue patch sound appealing.
There are a myriad of other things like liposuction, chemical peels, the oband, lasers and Botox. They all sound like they belong in a nuclear testing site rather than on our precious bodies.
Yes, I have told my daughters for years that beauty is pain but that is only after I have burned them with the curling iron.
We all need to agree to stop this madness. Stop the pain. And the money we save on beautifying ourselves can be put to much better use like stopping world hunger, literacy programs and Shamrock Shakes.