Thursday, July 29, 2010

Apparently I am the underwear expert now...

Yea I am beginning to think I need to stick to online shopping.  This time, I was not molested at Target and no one was shot at Costco.  But I did attempt to shop at Costco for the first time since the very controversial incident. I was running low on my new favorite chocolate covered blueberries, so clearly I had no choice.  Not to mention the churro craving I could no longer ignore.

Everything seemed back to normal and the store was business as normal.  I was making my regular counter clock-wise route around the store, putting things in my cart that were not on my list.  I was almost done, event free when I spotted the sheet sets.  We were down to one set of sheets for our Calif. King and these were actually on the list.

As I was starring down the sheet choices, an older man (older than me, say 50ish), non-creepy looking, was looking perplexed starring at the ladies underwear.  He already had a cart full of socks and men's underwear.  I tried to ignore him when he spoke.

Non-Creepy Man: My wife's not here and I'm out of my element (so glad he was admitting that).  I am buying underwear for a ladies charity (sure you are).  I need less fashionable and more serviceable.

Now I was this guys expert on ladies underwear.  Great.  Serviceable?  Not fashionable?  Funny and weird terms for underwear.  Little did he know, in my mind "serviceable" underwear sounded a lot more dirty than fashionable.  He was apparently embarrassed.  Costco did not carry any underwear that would be the envy of the girls at the strip club.  He had nothing to worry about.  And because I am nothing if not charitable, I directed him to the packages of ladies underwear.  I told him they were perfectly acceptable to donate to charity.

And trying not to make him any more uncomfortable than he already was, I tried to be nice.

Me being nice:  Yea, you have a lot of socks and underwear there.  That's very nice of you.

Yea I said something that lame and pushed my cart away.  And I prayed that, that man's wife would not let him out alone, again.  Especially if he was on an errand to buy ladies underwear.


Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Back when I was a blogging virgin...

So as not to interrupt my crazy, lazy, hazy, daze of summer, I am repurposing an old post.  But not just any old post.  This was my FIRST post EVER.  This was written back in October of 2008, when I was a blogging virgin.  I had no idea what I was doing with a blog for about the next 1 1/2 years.  I think my writing voice has changed a bit, but the topic and and my feelings about it, have not.

Morning Naps

I am not a morning person. Even with all the mornings I have had to get up for in my life. 4 years of early morning seminary, 1 1/2 years of missionary service, and let's not forget 6 babies over a 14 year period of time and the varying times of the early mornings that has allowed me to see.

 From the time the oldest kid could pour cereal and turn on the TV,  I have spent morning time in bed. Especially during the summer breaks when there was no one to get ready and take to school. Now, I thought nothing of it until a few years ago,

I found I was a topic of conversation. A friend came over one day with a friend of hers that I had not met. After she introduced me to her friend, the friend said " Oh she is the one that sleeps until 9". I was shocked. I laughed it off but have thought about it a lot. Are moms automatically supposed to rise at the crack of dawn because they are a mom? And the fact that I did not get up early was enough to mention in a conversation because I was breaking the mommy code? So why the guilt about sleeping in?

Yes, getting up earlier would allow me to "get more done" in a day. The stuff that I would do will always be there. Always, always, always. Yes, I could spend more time with my kids. But lets face it, the kids are one reason I sleep in and they will be mine for eternity. Now, don't get me wrong I still do my motherly duties when necessary. Like this morning began my one week in 4 to drive my son and others kids to early morning seminary. I was done with this task by 6:15 am. It was still dark outside and no one else was even up yet. I thought about taking advantage of this "extra" hour like a good mom would do. But the thought never made it to action. So I did what a normal, tired, mom of 6 would do. I went back to bed.


Friday, July 23, 2010

Five Reasons I am a Stay-At-Home-Mom

My mom likes to cut pictures out of magazines and save them.  She is an artist and loves pretty things and saves these for inspiration.  Growing up I loved going through he file folders of clippings.  And a few days ago I found some in my own files.  They were my moms because they are clearly from the 1950's or 1960's.  And the image these portray is as relevant today as they ever were.  They brought to mind my own reasons for being a stay at home mom for the last 20 years.

1. I am perfectly lazy.  I like to sleep in and not wear a bra.  And an employer might frown on that.  But lets face it, I live in Las Vegas so there are lots of jobs where NO bra is a requirement.  

2.  I did not finish my degree so my job choices are limited.   I am a few credits shy of the ever popular Undecided Degree.  I got my Mrs. Degree instead.  I think it pays more and gives me great flexiblity.  

3. I grew up in a very traditional home.  My mom stayed home, my dad worked and was home for a warm meal every night.  I liked the security of that.  While my hubby works long hours, is rarely home for dinner and I do not like to cook, it is the thought that counts.  

4. I want to be the one to ignore my children, put them in time-out, let them eat cold cereal for dinner, drag them to piano lessons, scold them for swearing, and let them go to bed in their swim suits.

5. On August 30, for the first time in 20 years, all six of my kids will be in school full-time.  All day, every day.  I will be home alone to sun bathe, watch Jerry Springer and read my People magazine.  And the complete chaos that ensues after 3:30 pm daily, will be completely worth it.  


Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Because I like a challenge

Okay not really.  But a blog challenge I can handle.  About 400 other ladies are tackling this challenge so I decided to join the cause.  Because I am nothing, if not follower.  So I am attempting the ProBlogger's 31 days to a better blog, along with a support group in the SITS forum over at The Blog Frog.  ( I think that is enough links for one sentence).

Now, I know what you are thinking.  My blog is already pretty fabulous.  But when you take away my good looks and pretty pink header what have you got?  I am feeling the need to define and challange myself and this seemed like a good platform.  So this is already day #3 of the challenge because most organized bloggers started on Monday.  But I wanted to make a grand entrance, so here I am.  So I will be cramming for my tests as I did over 20 years ago.  Some things never change.

Challenge #1, Elevator Pitch

An elevator pitch is how you can define yourself and your job/goals to someone else in a short amount of time.  Like in an elevator.  Now the only elevators I usually ride in are in casinos.  Not because of my gambling addiction but because the casinos are where the good movie theaters are located in Las Vegas.  These elevators usually smell of smoke, shame, sadness and a one-night stand.  I don't usually talk to anyone in these elevators and tell my kids to close their eyes and plug their nose.    So I will try not to take the term "elevator" pitch too literally.

When I describe myself to others I usually say, "I am a mom."   Being a mom comes with a set of given traits and habits that would immediately be understood by others, especially other moms.  And I think the same goes for bloggers.   So If I say, I am a mom and a blogger I think that would describe a lot.  But now I need more definition.  What is my blog about? Well it is about whatever I find funny or amusing that day.   It can be about finding the humor in parenting, being a mom, a wife, a daughter, sister, friend, human being or creepy person at Target.  So how do I make that sound exciting and make folks want to know more?

Here goes:

I am the mom of six who likes to find and write about the humor and every day insanity of being a woman and mom raising a family.  And I hope to help other moms feel that their life is normal.  

Okay, how boring is that?

I would say I don't want your opinion, but I guess I do.  I am open to suggestions.  But be kind or you will not be invited back.


Monday, July 19, 2010

iWant, iNeed, iLove

I never wanted it.  I told my husband I didn't need it.  But in his continued desperation to buy my love, he gave me the iPhone for Christmas 1 1/2 years ago.  And it was love at first sight.  I did not know that I was missing the other half of my brain until I was holding it in my hand.  Glossy screen.  Smooth buttons that live for my commands.  Since that day, it has not left my side.

My hubby did not know what he had done.  He called the phone my lover because it slept with me at night. It has been with me through thick and thin.  It has survived the dirty little fingers of my kids playing their games.  It reads to me and sings to me.  It reminds me of my appointments, gives me directions and tells me when my movie is starting.  It has been an intense, very one sided relationship.

And then I let it down.  Down, over the stair railing, about 12 feet, to the tile floor.  I might have shouted an expletive.  When I picked it up, it looked like this.  It's not supposed to look like this.

Popular opinion told me that the Apple warranty did not cover cracked screens.  My heart was breaking. I did not want to buy a new one.  I made an appointment with a Genius at the Genius Bar at Apple. Yea that is what they call themselves.  It is supposed to instill confidence.  Unfortunately it does not work.  

So as I have learned about going to any appointment that I need excellent service, I showered.  I put on something other than my High School Musical t-shirt and sweats.  I wore make-up and earrings.  And of course the kids asked, "Where are you going?"

I walked in with confidence.  I was not timid with a look of "I dropped my phone and it cracked and you won't replace it and I'm going to cry."  I did not look like that.

I was seated at the Genius bar where I waited for my genius.  He did not look the part but he was all I had.

Confident me, "Ummm my phone looks like this and it shouldn't."

He looked at it and smiled.  We both knew exactly what had happened to that phone and neither one of us was going to say it out loud.  He had me take off the cover which revealed the back of the phone that actually had cracks in it.

Wanna-Be-Genius, "Well these cracks could be from a fall or from yanking it out of the wall too hard. This is kind of a grey area."

Confident me had no comment. I think silence was by best weapon in this case.

Wanna-Be-Genius, "We are going to go ahead and replace it.  Have you synched it?"

Confident me, "Yes."

He went into the illusive "back" where all the new iPhones hung out waiting to be adopted.

Confident me was jumping up and down inside.   I said good-bye in my heart to my old phone as it got whisked away for parts.

Helloooooo new phone.  It's the beginning of another beautiful new relationship.  I just won't take it near the stairs.


Friday, July 16, 2010

Remember when I was NOT famous?

So about a bizillion years ago (no exaggeration),  I sent some articles to Mormon Times.  Because, well,

A.  I am a mormon
B. It is a newspaper, sent to other mormons. 
C. They publish stuff other mormons read.  
D.  It is a niche I am really interested in. 

So I think I sent two.  And then......nothing.  I was not shocked but in my dream of dreams I thought they would read my totally engaging stuff and knock down my door.  Did. Not. Happen.  

So I forgot about it, much how I forget about my other squashed dreams.  (you know, world peace.  Just a morning a peace would be nice.)

Last week an old friend wrote on my facebook  page (one of those "friends" I haven't seen since the day I graduated from high school),  and he asked if that was my article on  It did not even occur to me that it might be because I had not heard from them.  

So I told him no. 

He sent me the link but I didn't look at it.  

Fast  forward two days.  I get an email from an editor at  They published my article.    Not in the paper. But online.  What the?!?!?!?!

So they published it online in the Reader Voices section.  Yea baby.  I have a voice.  

This same article was once a blog  post many months ago when my dad was the only one that read my blog.  So now that  I am famous, reading it will cost you one click...Just Another Manic Sunday.  

So it did not make it to the printed page.  But everyone knows print is dead anyway.  

Long live my virtual fame.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Yea, he said that.

I have not written about weight a lot.  It is a sensitive issue for most.  Not so much for me.  It is what it is.  Since I have been married I have always been thin-ish.  Even between the  fat-inducing babies, the weight would come off.  Don't hate me.

Then I turned 40-ish.

The habits I had formed for the last 20 years have caught up with me.  Just a bit.  And these habits have gone straight to my tummy.  That seems to be where I store my Cokes, brownies, hamburgers, fries, Cherry Limeades and late night buttered popcorn.  And and don't forget to super-size all that.  With little effort I can appear to be 6 mos pregnant.  We don't know the sex yet but we think it will be shaped like a Gingerbread man.

Then there is my husband.  He eats really healthy unless I can entice him to the dark side.  Which seems to be easier the older we get. It's the dark side or go hungry.  But even then he knows how to eat in moderation.  He doesn't feel the need to eat the entire pan of brownies as I do.  What is that about?  And he stays thin. You are allowed to hate him.

I have decided he is going outlive me.  Which is fine.  Then he will have to live alone, not me.  If it was me living the end of my life alone they would have to extract my 700 lb. self from my bed, into my casket, with a forklift.

Well he may live longer.  If I don't kill him first.

A few days ago I asked him the age old question that every woman knows you should never ask.  I guess like most women, I didn't think he would actually tell me.

Me (standing in front of the bathroom mirror): Do you think I should lose some weight?

Still alive husband:  I love you just the way you are.

(So far so good. But I had to push it further.)

Me: So if I never lost any weight stayed this way for the rest of my life, you would be completely satisfied?

Still alive husband: Well....(here it comes), you may be more attractive visually if you lost some weight...

Yea, he said that.

And right then he was more attractive to me, with my foot in his crotch. You know, visually.


* Picture is fictional.  Any resemblance to actual legs, feet or crotches is strictly coincidental.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Mayhem at Costco

No it wasn't me and my kids.  An apparently crazy man can take the blame this time.  It was last Saturday when my daughter and I went to Costco to stock up on summer supllies.  You know, important stuff like  cold cereal, fruit snacks and a 20 lb bag of chocolate chips.  Because you never know when you are going to need to make 20 doz cookies.  I usually try to avoid Costco on a Saturday because of the crowds.  But because I am completely incpable of planning ahead, we ended up there on a weekend.

We first downed the customary $1.50 hot dog and soda.  I can not pass up a good hot dog that I get to decorate with a publically shared mustard and ketchup  pump.  Just the thrill of not knowing whose hands have been where, make it taste all that better.  So then with my daughter driving the cart without any Costco drivng experience, we shimmied and dodged our way through Costco.  And as usual when family comes along, I spent twice as much as normal.

Nothing seemed out of the ordinary as  we got a check mark on our reciept and headed to our car.  That's when I noticed the first cop car.  It pulled right up in front of the store, blocking traffic and lights spinning.  My first thought was "uh-oh, someone lost their reciept.  There is going to be trouble!"  As we were driving out of the parking lot, two more police cars passed us and zoomed  towards the store.  Wow, we were really missing the action.  I was almost tempted to turn around and see what  was up.  But I didn't want my chocolate to melt so I had my daughter search for a police scanner on my phone.  No luck.  Oh well, they must have caught a shoplifter.

It wasn't until Sunday after church when my daughter told all the kids were buzzing about what happened at Costco.  She shared the gruesome story then I read it in the paper.  While WE WERE THERE, there was a crazy man knocking things off shelves and  breaking things.  Security called the police when they saw he had a GUN! Managment starting telling everyone to evacuate, leaving their carts and all.  (We were just leaving the parking lot at this time.  Thank goodness we got out with our loot!).  As folks were leaving, the police arrived and found the guy leaving the store.  They asked him to stop.  He went for his gun and they SHOT HIM like four times.  Dead.  In front of MY Costco.  Just yards away from the churros.

It was witnessed by a lot of people and the thought makes me sick to my stomach.  ALMOST sick enough to not go back their and try there new gelato.  Almost.


Thursday, July 8, 2010

Move Over Dr. Ruth

I have solidified my self-proclaimed status as a sex education expert.  I know that status may be news to some of you but in my house I am well known for giving advice and words of wisdom on this topic freely and without solicitation.  My teenagers love me for that...Well, they will someday I am sure.

If you want the secrets to my success  you can find them today at Blissfully Domestic.  I share my pearls on   how to talk to your kids about sex.  Please go read, comment and bask in my Dr. Ruth-like attitude.


Sunday, July 4, 2010

Oh That's Funny!

Funny weird-In the new Eclipse movie Edward was very endearing and almost as hot as Jacob. 

Funny Ha Ha- Mr Dishwasher Repair guy's thick Russian accent.  I sooooo wanted to get him to say "moose and squirrel."

Funny embarrassing- A little situation I had with black bra under a white dress, in the most inappropriate place, and getting discovered and being sent to the "principal's" office.  

Funny because if I didn't laugh I'd cry-Having an electrician, dishwasher repairman, carpet cleaner and Mr. Painter Man all in my house in the same week.  And my car in the shop TWICE!  (Next week, window-repair guy).

Funny because it's better them than me- My daughter getting a job at Cafe Rio the same week the Man/Boy got a job at McDonalds.  God bless minimum wage and fast food.  

Funny new realities- My college-cutie in her first apartment, calling me distraught over her first gas and electric bill.  Welcome to adulthood baby.  Wanna trade bills?

Funny ironic-  A bank down the street from us that went out of business, with a sign in front of the building that says "bank owned."

Funny inappropriate- My husband coming up with a new name for Sarah McLachlan when he found out she's a lesbian. (Where was he when that closet door was opened?). 

Funny annoying-  My 5 year old calling me "mama".  He can call me mom, mommy, mommy dearest, mother, woman or Tipper Gore but "mama" makes me crazy.  

Funny sad-  My house is now staged, organized, clean and pristine.  I am missing my stuff.  


P.S.....Funny but not true- Apparently Sarah is not a lesbian. It is a rumor.  It is a rumor that I have now help spread. But we now have a nickname for her if she ever becomes one. 


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