Monday, April 12, 2010

Movie Bathroom Review

Last Friday night I went to the movies with my second favorite date, my sister-in-law.  We like to eat and laugh with one another and I don't even have to shave my legs or put out at the end of the night.

We ate some Panda Express and bypassed the concession stand because we are both being "good" right now with our diets. Good is boring and I was craving popcorn and candy.  I sipped my bottle of water with great resentment.

Before the movie even started I needed to empty my bladder.  Public restrooms are one of my least favorite places in the world.  I literally have dreams about needing to go really bad and finding nothing but grosser than gross toilets.  So I guess you should call them nightmares.  The only public bathroom I do not detest is the one at Nordstroms.  It smells nice and clean and has couches where you can sit and have buyers remorse.

Theater bathrooms are their own beasts.  Just the sheer volume of toilet stalls all in a row is overwhelming.  But not as overwhelming as the always unique smell.  How do I put this delicately?  It is the smell of hours of gynecological appointments gone awry.  Just sayin'.   I have a preference of going in stall where I have not seen the previous client. I do not want to know whose airspace I am getting half naked in.

So after I have picked a stall that has been empty for at least a few minutes and has not tell tale signs of what previously went on, it is time to find some place to put the purse.  Hopefully there is a hook.  The floor is not an option, for obvious bacterial factors. If I have to I will hold it on my lap, which is always comfortable.

Now if anyone would like to teach me how to put a toilet seat cover on and then turn around and sit down at the speed of light BEFORE it falls in the toilet,  I am all ears.  I fail at this miserably.  I don't know if I am slow or I am not getting the correct ratio of toilet cover torn off to create that necessary  toilet cover to toilet seat ratio. I guess I need to take a class.

Then there is washing up which can be as gross as the toilet stall itself.  There are counters that are covered in water, papertowels, hair and some kids dirty butt.  The new motion censored faucets and soap dispensers seem like a good solution to the spread of disease, except for one problem.  Apparently I have cold, dead, lifeless hands that can't be recognized by anything but a NASA satellite perhaps.  There is nothing stranger than moving my hands up and down under a faucet while praying for water, while others come and go finishing the task successfully.

I feel like saying, "Wait can you hold your hands under there for a second while I wash mine? Thanks."

Paper towels are also being replaced by hand dryers.  So after 20 minuntes and a line of dripping hands behind you, your hands will be dry, paper free.  So I usually walk out of the bathroom experience with wet hands and hope I don't run into anyone that is a hand shaker.

"Oh sorry, I just went to the bathroom and my hands are wet.  No, that's not pee."

But this is what I endure for a couple of hours of entertainment.  And at the end of that two hours, my bladder usually makes me endure it again.

And just for informational purposes, on Friday we saw "The Last Song."  If  you can stand Miley Cyrus'  "I just smelled a skunk" face, it is a good movie.  I liked the story line and got the hot men's beach volleyball scene I have been craving since Top Gun.


Linda

24 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I need to do a Nicholas Sparks post. I am convinced he gets a period.

Funky Mama Bird said...

Your description of the smell in the movie theater bathroom was dead on. Hilarious.


I have a friend for whom the automatic paper towel dispensers don't work. She once hid from them and then jumped out, waving her hands around at them to try to get them to sense her while I died laughing in a corner.

Pearl said...

Grossness! Movie theater bathrooms are THE worst! I refuse to see THAT movie because of "I just smelled a skunk face" girl.... :-P

Leanne said...

I felt like I was there with you . . . but I really didn't want to be THERE with you (in the bathroom). But, I HEAR YOU!!! I dread public washrooms and frankly try to avoid them at all cost! I also can't get over the fact that you skipped the popcorn! YOU BRAVE LADY!! (I've secretly thought about driving past that theater just to run in and buy a bag of popcorn! Isn't that awful?) Glad you enjoyed the movie, though!

CaneWife said...

LOL! The faucets never come on for me either. It's awful.

Much More Than Mommy said...

You need to come to the movies here, my friend. I don't mind going into them, they are clean and do not smell of gyno appointments!!!!

Cheeseboy said...

Wow this post right after the target post - you are on a serious comedy roll! I hate trying not to touch the door handle after washing my hands in a public restroom. You wash your hands and there is that door handle that probably has more germs on it than anything in the entire theater.

Anyway, your comment on my blog about your daughter with lice was hilarious. Perfect timing, eh.

Krista said...

Well, my secret with the toilet liner (I should market this) I rip the paper a little more and overcompensate it's spreading capabilities while I sit at the speed of light. And I usually hold my bladder as long as possible just to avoid them and I know I'm going to embarass myself one of these days. Anyway, how am I supposed to go to sleep now after laughing my guts out?

Saimi said...

Couldn't have said it better! I hate public bathrooms, which makes it a double edge sword since the bladder ain't what it used to be!

Tom and Karen Mortensen said...

This was pricless. I will never look at a public restroom the same again.

reasonably chubby said...

Linda, I'm now officially scarred. :) I agree, I hate public restrooms, but I hate hate hate gas station restrooms the most. My goodness, I just realized how strongly I feel about them...

Double Wide Mom said...

a very detailed account of something we've all personally experienced. I'm going to go bathe now.

Codi said...

I hate them too! You know what I really hate that I've recently noticed? In a theater here in the feminine garbage thingey, there's a plaque reading something about: use brown paper bags to dispose of feminine napkins and place them in the trash cans by the sinks.

EWWWWW...I am not going to announce it to the world, first of all. Second of all doesn't it seem completely unsanitary to be carrying something like that around, out the stall door you just touched, then to open the trash...no thank you!

Also taking a one year old in is a challenge, no way you can sit them down. So I held him while I went to the bathroom, yes, even while pulling my pants up and down...not easy I tell ya!

Jocelyn Christensen said...

Thanks for your comment, Linda! I've caught quite a few of your posts recently...very nice Oprah post!

AB said...

I wasn't excited to escort my tween to the new Miley movie, but you had me at "men's beach volleyball scene"...I'll be thinking of you when I have to use the ladies room, too. :)

Jackie said...

I squat. Every time. No sitting in public. Good for the thighs, clean for the bums.

Lisa said...

Oh my crap. I HAVE COLD, DEAD, LIFELESS HANDS, TOO! Nothing registers them~not even my computer touch pad! It's a problem. You are freakin' funny, woman. Freakin' dang funny.

JoeinVegas said...

I thought most women 'hovered' over the toilet and never really touched down?
My wife usually waits until 15 minutes before the big end before she has to run to the ladies room, thereby missing the entire reason for the buildup. There is a web site that tells you the best time to go, have to look that one up.

The Redhead Riter said...

Solution:

Go before you get to the movies

or

Keep a female urinal in the car

LOL

ElegantSnobbery said...

Seriously, there are few things that irritate me more than the stupid (but necessary) paper seat cover falling in the second I place it just right! ARGH!

And ahahaha, love your review. :D

Jessica G. said...

I'm glad you are going to CBC because I really want to meet you. Anyone who lusts after Target while simultaneously fearing the lack of paper towels in bathrooms is meant to be my BFF.

Lourie said...

I detest public potty's! And the further East and South you go the less and less places practice what I like to call "Safe Potty."

Charlotte said...

Sounds like a lovely bathroom experience. I'm often glad I have a high capacity bladder and can usually wait till I get home.

I don't think I can take that face, so I may have to pass on the movie.

Melissa Bastow said...

I always have to run out in the middle of the movie to use the bathroom. So not only do I have to contend with my public restroom phobias, I have to do it quickly. But the water/soap sensors can generally detect my hands. So at least I have that going for me...

The "I just smelled skunk" face is such a great description.

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